I even recruited a friend to be my “flirting teacher,” and she gave me a few simple steps:

• Be curious and match the other person’s energy

• Notice what lights people up and talk about that

• When it’s your turn to speak, add a light, gentle touch

• Hold eye contact and allow pauses

I watched a few TED Talks, and oddly enough, they all said the same thing: be curious and give genuine compliments. And I was like, “Bruh… I do that EVERYDAY. Why am I not a flirty person?”

So I started my flirting homework. My rule was: flirt with strangers, but doesn’t have to have any romantic agenda. Just playful sensuality. Light, warm, human. (Very French energy.)

Then I approached my first stranger… and immediately got carried away. We ended up building a snowman together.

Second stranger? Also got carried away. I was way more interested in practicing Spanish with them than flirting.

Third stranger? Completely derailed again — their baby was so cute that I spent the entire time talking about the baby.

The funniest part is that I went to the bathroom, suddenly remembered, “Oh right, I’m supposed to be flirting,” then rushed back out just to give them a compliment.

And somehow, I forgot that I was supposed to initiate touch, but they touched my shoulder instead.

I was irrationally annoyed. My flirting practice had somehow turned into other people flirting with me, when I was the one who was supposed to be practicing!

But Esther did not give up.

She went to another event and decided to embody her most confident, playful, dominant energy. She made eye contact with a stranger, incubated the courage for ten full minutes, and finally said:

“I want to be in the same group conversation as you. I found your eyes interesting.”

They smiled, clearly flattered, and replied, “I feel happy hearing that, but I’m afraid I might end up disappointing you. You might get bored of me.”

I laughed and said, “Then why don’t you start by telling me the most boring thing about yourself?”

That moment felt playful and kind at the same time. At the end of the conversation, they said they wanted to make out with me, and I happily went home and went to sleep.

Mission accomplished.
(No make-out because the goal was learning and practicing.)

Here’s what I’ve learned about flirting so far:

• I’m not comfortable initiating touch. It feels like humans have a natural respectful distance, and crossing it can feel aggressive to me. Ironically, when someone lightly touches me, I feel more connected.

• Pauses and steady eye contact during conversations make me feel seen and deeply connected, even with strangers. It doesn’t have to be romantic.

• I find flirting requires me to be in extremely confident, powerful, and dominant state. But that’s not my natural state. My default state is more like a wholesome, joyful little kid. Now I’m wondering how to lean into a playful, powerful femininity that still feels authentic to me.

I still have so much to learn. But my friend reminded me of something gentle and true:

Growth whispers. It doesn’t scream.

Some people go shopping or buy cars. I cope with humor, mostly because I’m too broke to shop when I’m stressed. So if you’re also poor and stressed, don’t worry, I’m here to teach you my method.

How to Have Funny Interviews

Most people think job interviews are stressful because they want to get the job.
But if you approach an interview like an anthropology experiment, it’s actually hilarious.

For instance, I once got completely stuck in an interview — and so did the interviewer. We were both debugging my broken code together for fifteen minutes. Watching him struggle was genuinely entertaining. I thought, “Haha, if I can’t pass this interview, you definitely can’t either.”

Another time, I had no idea how to solve the problem… but the interviewer loved me so much for some reason that they ended up finishing it for me.

Recently, I flew to NYC for a trip and met a founder who immediately invited me for an in-person interview. As the adventurous person I am, I dragged my suitcase straight into the meeting room. I did so badly in the first round that I had to ask:

She laughed and said, “Nah, you’re the first person who’s ever brought a suitcase to an interview. You’ve gotta finish this.” The second round was even harder and I felt like a naked sheep. At one point, the interviewer looked into my eyes and said softly, “It’s okay…”

I was honestly grateful I had my suitcase ready so I could leave immediately after.

My Ridiculous Relationships

Recently, I somehow got involved in a random poly relationship that I was trying very hard to reject. The conversations went something like this:

“You’re so special.”
“Wait… but you say that to other people too, don’t you?”
“Yes, they’re special — but you’re special too.”

I don’t judge different relationship styles, but honestly, that sounded like classic f**boy* logic.

So I said,

I fainted…Then I received a long-ass document explaining how this “love” promised no security(?!) To be honest, I was kind of impressed someone actually dares to write all that out.

Sometimes I really wonder, is life actually this hard to navigate, or do I just attract weird people and absurd scenarios? Imaginary weirdo friends, what do you think?

Just Laugh

Sure, I could complain about my life, full of embarrassment, frustration, and chaos.
But I can also choose to take it lightly: to laugh before it becomes too traumatizing.

So I tell my funny friend everything. Sometimes I even think about seeing a psychic to figure out why all this happens. But before I do, I shrug off my worries and just laugh (of course, while interweaving overthinking in between) letting everything take shape however it wants. Some of my friend go shopping to cope with stress, but since I’m too poor to do so, I tell myself: if I ever post all this on TikTok, maybe I’ll become an influencer.

Friends leave the city, and suddenly the streets feel lonelier. I’d try to pour my feelings into writing, but then came the sting — unsubscribe notifications, one after another. I started thinking, maybe my words really are garbage.

For a whole year, I hadn’t found friends I really liked. And then (drumroll) something unexpected happened: I met my readers.

If you ever reach out to me, it’s usually for one of two reasons:

1. You hate me so much you absolutely must tell me.

2. You love me so much you absolutely must tell me (or see me).

One day, it was the second. A Vietnamese reader sent me an email so long it could’ve been a novella. I guess she is in the second category.

When I opened it, my first thought was: bruh… if you actually read my posts, don’t you already know I’m a confused human being? Why hit me with all these questions I clearly don’t know the answers to? But, out of courtesy (and because I’m very Asian), I invited her over for dinner. I made sushi.

That’s when I realized: my readers are hella strange.

I seared this beautiful, expensive sashimi-level salmon, and she said, “Can I cut it into heart and star shapes?”

Inside my head: This girl just dismissed my great cooking… but also, that’s kind of creative. Out loud, I said yes. And so, there we were, slicing salmon into awkward little shapes.

The next day, I was bored, working in a café near her place. I told her to swing by. She did. Out of nowhere, I blurted, “Wanna practice interviews together?”

She didn’t hesitate.
Her: “Now?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “Okay.”

And just like that, we started meeting every day. Practicing interviews. For MONTHS, I’d been searching for someone to practice with. No luck. And then, suddenly, this stranger who turned my salmon into stars became the person I’d been waiting for. (FYI: I missed all my viet friends that they all so hardworking and accountable.)

Weirdo friends are the best kind of strange.

Another reader once slid into my Twitter DMs, and we decided to meet for coffee. Over lattes, I told her my story about selling matcha at YC’s AI Startup School. She laughed and shared her own hustle, selling souvenirs at a Taylor Swift concert… until the police caught her.

Just like the first “strange girl,” she had this playful personality. The second time we met was at a friend gathering. Out of nowhere she asked:

Her: “I wanna bike to the Golden Gate Bridge.”
Me: “Now?”

So she went and rented bikes. We pedaled into the darkness, through a forest that was both terrifying and exhilarating. And as the night wind whipped past us, I thought about how everyone always says I’m too bold, too adventurous, too spontaneous. Yet here I was, effortlessly finding people just as wild.

That’s when I realized, my readers, my weirdo friends, are one of a kind. I like them (which also means: I like you).

So feel free to keep reaching out. But please don’t reach out if you are category (1). Life is already hard so please don’t traumatize me more.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like to talk sometime between 3–5 pm this Saturday? My calendar is open.”

People often say women are naturally more emotionally and socially intelligent. But honestly, many of my girlfriends in tech remind me a lot more of men…

They’re usually engineers, practical, efficient, solution-driven. But when it comes to understanding human emotions, many of them seem to... Sometimes it even feels like they’re disconnected from their own emotions, or unsure how to process them. That’s why when you share how you feel, they’ll often default to giving you either (1) a logical explanation, or (2) a practical solution. Neither of which is what you want in the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re kind, well-intentioned people. But after spending so much time in male-dominated tech spaces, they’ve lost some of the delicacy and nuance that often shapes how women tend to connect with one another.

Remember this?

That’s how I often felt when I’m around my tech girlfriends, but I’m the only girl in the the friendship.

One day, after one of my tech girlfriends stood me up for 3 times after our dinner plan. I said,

My friend answered in the most shamelessly innocent way, completely missing the undertone of my question. Her voice was so guileless that I couldn’t decide whether to burst out laughing or strangle her on the spot.

I’m still learning how to appreciate them as they are. One good thing is that they tend to be very uncomplicated, usually carrying this steady “boyfriend energy.” It feels like a mix of having a man’s personality combined with a woman’s sense of caring capability and responsibility.

What started to help me is imagining them as men in those emotional moments. Actively framing my expectations that way makes it easier to relax when they don’t pick up on cues or grasp emotional subtleties. Subtle hints often backfire with them, so being more direct is usually the healthier approach. I either lower my expectations for them to understand my emotions, or I directly ask them to give me a better emotional response when I share how I’m feeling, and we practiced a role play together.

My non-tech girlfriends keep telling me it’s too much effort and not worth my time, but honestly, they can be kinda cute and funny. Welcome to my Cute Asian Girl Training Academy. Let’s see how many months this academy will last.

Everyone goes to YC Startup School to learn how to make money; I went to YC Startup School to do business.

People think going to YC AI Startup School to see Elon, Sam Altman, Microsoft’s CEO, and other big names would be the highlight of their lives, but honestly, these celebrity events are all hype with little substance. If I have to wait in line for an hour just to get in, then sit in an auditorium with 3,000 people listening to talks and awkwardly network with strangers, honestly, I already want to go home before it even starts.

So when my new friends asked me to line up for another hour to attend a YC partner’s office hours, I turned to the stranger next to me and said, “Waiting, waiting, waiting! This is so boring. I’d rather come here tomorrow and sell matcha!” Surprisingly, that Korean dude said, “Oh! I really like matcha. I can help!”

And that’s how the spontaneous matcha pop-up store was born.

But then I wondered. How would I convince YC? Who should I even ask for permission? There weren’t even any other booths there. It’s clear YC doesn’t allow outside vendors.

Suddenly, an idea struck me. As I waited in line, I made up a ridiculous “unicorn” startup idea in my head—using matcha to match AI talent—and went up to the YC partner. I said, “I want to sell matcha here tomorrow. Can I pitch you right now for 5 minutes and convince you to back me up?”

His tired eyes lit up with curiosity. I tapped into my nonsense-spinning talents, and after hearing my pitch, the YC partner cheerfully said, “I love your idea! But I’m not in charge, so I can’t help you. The organizer is Jessica, and here’s her email address. Shhh—it’s a secret email!” And he walked away.

Now I had a headache. If it’s the organizer herself, even if I managed to meet her in person, convincing her to let me pull off this stunt tomorrow would be nearly impossible. Plus, I could only hope she’d check her email in U.S. time. But this was a conference with 3,000 people—how the heck was I supposed to fish out Jessica from the crowd?

(I asked some friends how they would handle this. Can weirdo friends guess?)

In the end, I pulled some clever tricks and actually found Ms. Jessica among the 3,000 attendees. She was petite, with flowing black hair, clearly busy and frazzled. I knew my “unicorn” pitch wouldn’t work on her. So I improvised on the spot, revised my story, and managed to persuade her. And just like that, the spontaneous matcha pop-up shop was officially approved.

We decided to sell 100 cups of matcha.

Starting from 7 PM, before the Japanese supermarket and Costco closed, we scrambled to plan and buy ingredients, figure out refrigeration, logistics, and portioning. By 11 PM, we had gathered the team. At 2 AM, we created the MVP—strawberry matcha. At 3 AM, we finalized pricing and marketing. By 4 AM, we finished cooking all the strawberry syrup. At 5:30 AM, we packed ice and prepped for transport. At 7 AM, we set up the booth and opened for business.

In just 12 hours, we completed all the tasks required to run a small business, combined with an AI-themed pitch, and started selling on site.

While the other 2,999 people were sitting in the auditorium learning how to start a company, I was already experimenting.

And how many cups did we sell in the end?

Zero.

Revenue: $0.

After 12 hours, our impromptu matcha shop closed down for good.

“You are so selfish. Why will you leave your family to pursue your dream when they have brought so much to your life?”

“You have only stayed in Taiwan for X days this year.”

“You will never succeed in the US because you are yellow.”

“You should really come back to Taiwan if you cannot find a job in the US. You will (ONLY) be wanted here.”

Pursuing your dream? That’s American shit. We don’t do that here. In Taiwan, in Esther’s family, we all move home, raise our kids, and feed our parents. That’s the family legacy.

Whenever I go home, other than the crazy racist, sexist, homophobic shit, the worst thing I need to handle is “being a terrible daughter.” When my grandparents were sick, my dad sneaked out of work, cooked meals, and fed my grandparents in the hospital every day. He is a good son. But his daughter, Esther, doesn’t even stay home more than 20 days a year. What a disgrace to her family. Worst of all, as she passionately pursues her dream, does she even love her family?

Hence, Esther in Taiwan mostly looks like this:

It got slightly better over time, as I gradually proved to myself that I can survive abroad (getting into Meta helped a lot). But the core of family filial piety (孝順), I can never meet the bare minimum. I LOVE my family, and I already know I cannot repay them for life. But being who they wish me to be is rejecting myself, or else I have to reject their expectations, rejecting my love for them.

Woah, that’s a lot.

So I talked about this to my roommates, and one gave me a very interesting thought: “Why don’t you just accept the sad truth? You can never be a good daughter in their eyes.”

I was like, “wtf? You crazy woman??” I want to be a good daughter! My stomach tightened with a uncomfortable knot.

Based on my understanding, her reasoning is like this: changes don’t come when we reject things; they only come when we embrace them fully. If you don’t want to let go of your family, you might need to learn to live with the complexity that you will never live up to their expectations, you want a very different life, and it might just be a sad story.

We always want to change something. We want to grow. So it’s hard not to try to change. But maybe we just have to accept it. Esther has already tried to be her best self. Maybe Esther doesn’t have to change.

Weirdo friends, this is also quite weird for a weirdo, right? I agree. But you know, Esther is intrigued by the weird thought. As I find it self-conflict to be a good daughter vs. becoming who I am, I figured new ideas and new thoughts are always worth experimenting with and trying. I don’t know what will happen, but it’s fun, and I will keep you updated.

After our chat, as I stood up and washed my dishes, I turned and told my roommate, “Yeah, I am a terrible daughter.” And we roared into laughter. I felt light-hearted, as if being a terrible daughter isn’t the worst thing on earth.

Okay! So now, I’m gonna go scream “I AM A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER” on the street! And tell everyone this in the office tomorrow. Bye!

She explained that while she understood my perspective, some of my remarks made her uneasy, especially since we live under the same roof. I could see where she was coming from. Tbh, the Taiwan-China issue didn’t really hit me until the Ukrainian war. Before that, war was something I only saw in movies.

But then, seeing the Ukrainian kids at school—wounded, broken, with their eyes hollowed by trauma—made me feel like I was living in a war zone myself.

Every day, I watched them gather in the halls, their faces heavy with grief, stress, and anger. Even my sweetest, softest Ukrainian friend confessed that they wanted to kill Russians. It haunted me. The pain in their eyes was a mirror of something deeper, something far beyond the politics of nations. It was a raw, human wound.

And now, when I thought of the possibility of a China-Taiwan war, I felt my body tense, my shoulders weighed down by an invisible burden. The thought of it was suffocating.

Even though my Chinese roommate might not have experienced the same level of stress as I did during the Ukrainian conflict, I’m sure she can empathize with the emotional stress. She said, “I remember X, a Ukrainian kid, and Y, a Russian kid—they used to be best friends. They’d stay up late, talking about everything. But when the war started, everything changed. It was like... it became impossible to be friends anymore. They couldn’t do it.”

She looked at me with a mix of sadness and something else, something deeper. “Maybe, if the war happens... maybe we won’t be able to be friends anymore,” she said quietly.

Her words lingered between us, a quiet truth we both understood.

“I’ll feel so guilty if that happens,” she continued, her voice breaking slightly. I could see the sadness in her eyes.

The weight of her words settled into my heart. I imagined it—living with someone whose country might be at war with mine. It was an impossible thought. But then again, Esther didn’t think like most people. So, I decided to address the two things that had been eating at her: (1) her discomfort with my comments about China, and (2) her guilt about what might happen if the war came.

For (1), since I’m someone who’s very receptive to feedback, I decided to change. I’d always been someone open to feedback, always willing to adjust. I reached out, took her face in my hands, and looked her in the eye. “Don’t worry,” I said, my voice warm with sincerity. “From now on, I’ll tell you every day how much I love China, and how much I love the Chinese people.”

At first, I thought I’d said the right thing. But then I noticed her face. She didn’t look reassured. In fact, she seemed even more uncomfortable than before. I had no idea how to fix it. HAHAHAHAHA

For (2), I reassured her that I believed she’d be there for all of us—my Taiwanese family too—if anything bad happened. If war broke out, she’d open her home to us. She’d feed us, shelter us.If that wasn’t possible, no worries. She could start today, right now.

“Listen,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “If anything bad happens, you can start by doing my laundry. Pay my rent. Give me a massage. Buy me dessert. That way, if the war comes, you won’t feel guilty anymore.”

From that moment on, I felt a strange excitement whenever I saw her. Because she was actually preparing for the worst—taking real steps, however small, to make things right, to ease her guilt.

If war happens, we might be torn apart—perhaps never to meet again. As humans, we carry burdens—some inherited from our families, others from our countries, our cultures, or even from our own identities. We are each shaped by our differences, by our beliefs and values. Even when we share the same faith, it doesn’t always mean we can walk the same path. We’re bound by our biases, drawn into the complexities of in-groups and out-groups, sometimes so entangled that no one knows how to loosen the knot. Yet, despite it all, in my heart, there is already a place for her, untouchable by time or circumstance.

And that, is the love letter.

When I looked at the blister on my lip, I felt extremely annoyed—not only by the pain, but by the fact that this herpes appeared out of nowhere. NOWHERE! Because if I kiss someone or have oral sex and get it, at least I had it! Why did I get the worst of both worlds? No make-out, but herpes anyway! I went around questioning everyone who might have passed this herpes to me, but couldn’t find anyone.

I started to wonder if there was some curse, like someone kissed or had sex with me in their dreams. Maybe their desire was heard by God, and God decided to pass on their wishes to me as a notification. That’s even worse! They didn’t even ask for my consent first? I feel cheated—(or maybe FOMO, if they’re hot??).

I couldn’t really eat with my left side, and I was so worried about the herpes that I decided to meditate on it. Strangely, an intuition told me that the herpes came from a place of love. Well… I don’t know if that’s true, but it still feels better than thinking someone kissed me without my consent, so I decided to roll with it.

After that, I started saying “Good morning” to her (my herpes) whenever I woke up and saw her in the mirror. Whenever the herpes hurt again, instead of panicking and stressing out, I thought, “Well… if it comes from a place of love, someone must be missing me.”

Now, it’s getting bigger, but I’m not rushing her out of my life. If she comes from a place of love, why would I want to rush her away? It’s fine. You can stay a little longer if you insist. So, I wore a mask to my dance class and told everyone I wasn’t sick, just ugly, so I had to wear it. People laughed.

Cold sores go through five stages: tingling, blister formation, weeping, crusting, and healing. I think I’m in the crusting stage, where the fluid dries up and forms a big yellowish-red crust on my lip. It’s not beautiful, but it’s a natural transition. I think emotional herpes works the same way. When we’re hurt by someone, the blister itches, stings, and bleeds, but then it starts to scab over. Of course, it doesn’t look pretty, but it’s just part of the process. Our bodies get sick sometimes, and so do our minds and hearts. It’s okay to be sick.

The funniest thing is that little Esther’s brain generates so many entertaining thoughts around sickness in her life. But hhh (coughing sound), if you really miss me, have issues with me, or kissed me in your dreams, can you please confess to me? I promise I won’t bring a chainsaw to your town, sneak into your house, and give you a wonderful ending to your life.

So here is the story. When my friend was talking to their sibling, they asked me to go and say hi. I said hi without giving it a second thought.

But as my friend talks about a sibling's love story, my brain comes up with an interesting idea: what if I proposed to a stranger? How will a stranger react to it?

So the next day, when I met their sibling on the phone again, I asked seriously, “Would you marry me?”

There was an awkward silence. I can see they got nervous, and they said affirmatively, “No, you are too young for me.”

And then I went, “How do you think how old I am, or can you wait for me to grow up?”

My proposee got super nervous and then and then said, “Ahhh…sorry my brain cannot work right now. I have to reject you.”

Seeing how awkward it is, I burst into a big laughter. Hahahaha

My friend then urged me to write a resume to apply for my marriage, so I made this today to prove that I’m a good housewife and can make money in the future.

You might ask who is this hot and lucky person that I proposed to? Is they really hot? Well, I have no idea, because you know when you talked to your family member you usually only your face like this.

because you are usually lying in bed and don’t give shit on how you look hahahahaha. So I have no idea what the proposee looks like hahaha

1. Less emotional communication and empathy

2. Ego problems, especially among founders

3. Bro-like communication but with harmless intention

Little emotional communication

A few weeks ago, I saw this in another startup team:

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Apparently, most early startup founders don't think about others because they are too busy and focused solely on their company. It's not that they don't care about their employees; it's more like their brains don't come up with the idea of asking or observing people how they feel. Encouraging them to think about it can go well or go very very wrong.

I once asked a similar question to my ex-founder, "Do you feel I'm working too slowly?" After that, I received a lot of random attacks on my capability, which probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't asked. Afterwards, I learned to show my capability rather than vulnerability. Maybe women bond with each other through difficult times, but it seems better to celebrate success together and process emotional struggles privately with tech bros. Nowadays, I don’t expect much on emotional communication. That seems to be a bit too difficult for tech bros.

Ego Problems

Of course, we all have egos. Ambitious startup people, especially males, can suffer a lot from it due to personal interests or social background. Yet, I started to learn how to treat my ego and their egos with more compassion and open-mindedness.

Last time, I was having an argument with my founder on how to do math.

During our calculation, I almost laughed at how bad Americans’ math is. But insisting on my computational methods would probably still cost lots of unnecessary arguments. So I said, sure, we can do it your way.

I used to fight fiercely for my ideas because I thought I was "right," but nowadays, I realize that the ability to collaborate well matters more. And I could be wrong too! Even though I'm comfortable with math, it doesn't mean my team or future teammates will be. I realized I need to open my mind for gender, social, and cultural difference to work with people’s egos.

Working with egos doesn't mean I always lose. This week, my founder deleted my code because he thought another method was better. Rather than exploding with discontent, I let myself feel it, then came back and listed out the pros and cons of both ideas.

He initially wanted to push his idea, and I decided to open my mind and redid everything his way again. But it didn't work. He said, "But your idea has another XYZ edge case problem too." I quickly followed up, "Do you think there's a way to bundle our data to solve the XYZ edge case problem then?" He then came up with an idea to do it. I didn't lose, and he didn't lose either. It’s our idea now.

We all have biases, egos, and sunk cost fallacies. Some have more, some have less, but if we can open up to change our minds, we are more likely to change other people's minds too.

Lastly, I learned the importance of taming others' egos. As a woman, I started to learn how to leverage my strengths well. I learned that being like an alpha male didn’t work well socially and personally for me. Instead of being strong and fighting like a bro (it seems that men work well with each other in this way), being cute seemed to work much better for me.

Yes, you might say that there are some potential downsides to this approach, such as the risk of being undermined, but if you incorporate it well with other tendencies (for me, it's curiosity, playful brilliance, problem-solving skills, and visualized communication), I believe socially admirable female qualities such as cuteness, sweetness, elegance, or sexiness can shine really well. If the front door is too heavy, why not open a smaller side door?

Bro-like Communication but Harmless Intention

"Don't fuck this up," he said.

It’s definitely not something my girlfriends would say to me, but nowadays I learn that tech bros didn’t have any bad intentions. If our relationships go well, I don’t take it personally anymore. And then I adopted one or a few bro lines too. For instance, I stopped using sentences like, "Can you do X, Y, Z?" or "Do you mind…?" I started all these sentences with "You should…"

I learned this to upgrade my assertiveness till one day…

Well… adopting some new cultures definitely has some downsides...

But the good side of this is, even if you say something wrong sometimes, I don't think bros take it personally too. There's not much overthinking needed. It's simple.

If you are a woman reading this post, you might still think, "Argh… men are so messed up." And I don't blame you because I’ve met many females who went through lots of shitty male-dominant environments.

But over time, I learned that while some people have too much baggage, there are still many kind people out there who are willing to learn and change. Rather than accusing, I want to learn how to collaborate well and bring out the best in each other.

Well…at least I tried (wink).

There are several things I want to let go of this year:

1. The Instinct to Rush: My tendency to rush through life.

2. Unbeneficial Relationships: Relationships that no longer serve me.

The first habit I want to let go of is my tendency to rush through daily tasks. For example, when I take longer to cook or eat, I often feel like I'm wasting time or become impatient because I live in a society that only values productivity. While learning to cook with my chef friend, I discovered my biggest weakness in cooking is impatience. I want to put the food in before the pan is hot enough, and after frying onions for 30 minutes, I gave my chef friend a dirty look, even though the key for that dish (啤酒噸牛肉）requires onions to be extremely tender, sweet, and unburnt.

Another thing I want to let go of is unbeneficial relationships. Whether I decide to continue or end these relationships, I often feel the emotional burden and the pressure of societal expectations. Often, I'm simply too lazy to change because it's easier to stay where I am, and there's friction in getting myself out. However, as these relationships wither, I've realized I need to become more independent—emotionally, financially, and in my daily life—to gain the agency to actively grow into the person I want to be.

Both problems stem from an unwanted tendency of mine. However, I don't want to be constrained by these tendencies. Instead, I want to pay attention to them, analyze them, and make changes in my life.

Attention, pls!

Few days ago, I practiced live coding with a friend. To my surprise, it reminded me of how much I still have to learn as an engineer. Yes, with the help of AI, I code with ease. Data manipulation feels like a breeze. Yet, seeing my friend struggle made me realize that neither of us has truly mastered its intricacies.

The devil is in the details—the subtle differences in types, methods, and data structures. On the surface, I thought I had it all figured out, especially since I use these tools every day. In reality, I had been focusing on conceptual knowledge and relying on AI-generated implementations. This illusion of ease led me to overlook the complexities, making me complacent.

As I immersed myself entirely in coding, I realized that good performance hinges more on awareness than on knowledge or skills. Stopping to reevaluate is much harder than following your initial train of thought. It takes extra mental effort to be mindful of what you are doing, actively track your actions, question your assumptions, and set aside tasks you're in the middle of. Notice. Analyze. Decide.

And then, allow yourself to let go of things you've invested time and effort into—that's the hardest part.

I feel like this isn’t just a work practice but a life habit too. We often repeat the same mistakes, failing to recognize our problems. Even when we are aware of our tendencies, it feels so hard to let go of the desire of following the tendency.

I don’t want to be an exhausted women

My friend shared a poem with me: "I do not want to be remembered as a woman who was always exhausted." This resonates deeply with my desire to live more mindfully and authentically.

I have tendency to rush.

I have tendency to follow through my instinctive solutions.

I have a tendency to not assertively say no in unwanted situations.

That's not who I want to be. I want to be a woman who feels content and fulfilled, not rushing because of my own judgment or the expectations of others.

I want to feel strong when I say no, without fear and stress.

I want to take my time cooking, eating, and washing dishes, without feeling like I'm wasting time.

I want to take up more space in a group of men, without worrying if my words are valuable.

I want to relax while lying in the grass, without pondering on how to compensate for the rest I'm taking.

I don’t want to be an exhausted women. I want to work hard and rest deeply, embracing both my limitations and my possibilities.

Other people know how to navigate their lives, find a good partner, and do what humans are supposed to do, but Esther doesn’t. Hence, I’m thinking of how she might die.

• Touch too many trees and one might be poisonous.

• Marry a terrible person because she forgot to wear the right glasses. Potentially die out of too many times heartbroken.

• Eating random nuts on the ground and one turns out to be poop (which almost happened).

• Being too risk-taking and owing lots of money. She cannot pay them back and is killed by the mafia or ends up homeless on the street.

• Being too stubborn to follow people’s advice and dying by tripping in a no man’s land.

• Buried by negative news because she cannot respect authority.

Since my graduation, I’ve been noticing that the entire world has been telling me the same thing over and over again in every dimension of life, but I still have a hard time following it. Like talking about what I should be talking about when I talk to a CEO. I know about this but I still ask whatever question is on my mind. Why could other people follow those rules, expectations, and common norms so much?

I started to doubt that Esther severely lacked a lot of common sense. Though she did try sometimes, she could not try as hard as other people. Like, why? I don’t know what my mom forgot to give me when she gave birth to me, even though I think my prefrontal cortex is probably good. Too good that I often notice a hole in social norms that other human beings become mad at me.

I think I’m so done with myself and my life, ready to face my dumb way to die. Oh, weird friends, I forgot to tell you that I’ve already planned how I want my ceremony a few years ago. Let me show you.

This is me in my coffin. Do you know why I do this? I think every dead person deserves some dignity. And at least I want to be as pretty as Emma Watson when I die.

I’ve also made my words of condolence.

Martin Luther King, the American civil rights leader and winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace. Ah.. Sorry, wrong person…. (cough cough) 

Esther Yang, is a boldie with green eyes. I guess she is a Swedish. She is 180 cm tall.  (Hush if audiences boo) Order! Order! Be respectful for the death. Her secret lover is Neil Armstrong(Play Fly me to the moon), because she likes to play this song. 

Also, do you see the moon over there? Yes. Her butt is facing the moon, because in Brazilian, facing your butt to the moon means that you are lucky. She wants to die luckily. Now, she wants you all to be lucky. Let’s twerk!

And then everyone can start twerking, sitting in funeral is very unhealthy since we all sit too much anyway.

There will not be any gratitude ceremony at my funeral, but there will be one “complaining ceremony.”

Because Esther knows she creates too much inconvenience and problems for others. People should really take their last chance to complain.

I haven’t selected the date I want to die yet, but you are all invited to come to my funeral. However, since I’ve been writing so many Gotta Die series, you might be able to complain about me soon.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you are yellow!”

Well…he isn’t that wrong. People do push Asians into the New York subway tracks, and people need to help in #StopAsianHate!

While most Taiwanese think America is the dream land, I only learn more and more about racism over time through news, research, and friends' stories. For instance, one day my white female friend angrily complained to us, “Someone catcalled me and called me ‘hot mommy!’ So gross!” My black female friend responded, “You lucky girl. They never called me hot; they only ask me to buy drugs!” (With her strong and cute Nigerian accent that I cannot stop laughing)

So today, I’m going to tell you about my personal experience with racism in America.

I usually go to a beautiful yoga studio next to my house. I go there pretty often, once or twice a week. However, I gradually noticed a weird thing: everyone always chatted with each other and they looked like friends, but not with me?

Okay okay, weirdo friends, let me clarify some other logical reasoning that might be running through your mind.

• Hypothesis 1: Asians are shy, and therefore Esther is too shy to talk to others.

• Hypothesis 2: Esther has a super average face, hence no one can recognize her.

• Hypothesis 3: Americans are racists.

Hypothesis 1 is completely wrong because Esther does seize chances to talk to her neighbors quite often. Hypothesis 2 is also pretty wrong because Esther is significantly shorter than most white people, and she is usually pretty recognizable in public as a tiny cute Asian girl.

So…unfortunately…I need to come to the conclusion: Americans are just racists. My dad is right.

One day, after a yoga class, I joined a small conversation with other classmates talking about the class. And then I spoke to a girl, “Yeah, because you are sitting in the front row today, right?”

She went, “No? I sit right next to you!”

I got a little bit confused. I laughed and left.

A few weeks later after one class, a guy approached me, “Hi! How was your week? Bla bla bla…” Who is he? He talked as if he knew me. How weird!

I said, “Hmm…have we met?”

He said, “Oh! Yeah! We chatted last week. Remember?”

And then all of a sudden, I realized that I chatted with John all the way up the stairs, and we even walked the entire block last week!

At the moment, I finally realized why I don’t have friends in yoga class, because

Okay, and I also not so sure if his name is John because I’m not only bad at white faces but also very bad at names too…

And it is an active choice.

Here are three things that are constantly influencing my choice: money, visa, and passion. For money, I realized the maximum debt I can mentally afford is $40K. If I don’t have any income, I will be living in SF till the end of this year. For visa, I can maybe figure out a special route after my jobless period (around December), but given the money I’m burning, it doesn’t make sense to go through it. Hence, I’m left with two last options

1. Getting whatever job I can get to stay in the US

2. Giving up the US and going back to Taiwan

3. Get married to an American on the spot

Option 1 secures money and visa, while option 2 supports passion. I know 99% I can make it here if I am willing to aggressively proceed with option 1. But can I spend my day and burn myself working on a CRM product to stay in the US?

The answer is NO, because it’s absolutely wrong. The point of me to be in the US is to expand my passion, and I would rather die than be on the wrong path. I rather die. So I’m left with option 2, going back to Taiwan.

How about Option 3? To find an American to get married in 7 months isn’t too easy. But it is possible. Mr. M has been pursuing me and even said he will provide me “food and shelter.” This means that money and visa issues will be solved. It will give me extra time to work on my passion. But…

Anyway, in Taiwan, I will have a lower money burn rate. Even though returning to my debt can be hard, I will have more control to be on the right path. However, the thought of it is extremely painful.

Weirdo friends, I don’t have much pride so I don’t give a shit if other people called me a failure if I go back. But I really hate living in Taiwan. You might find it weird, bc everyone loves Taiwan and I’m also proud of being a Taiwanese. But as a weirdo who is as wild as me, my ideas are often shut down, my passion is often considered unrealistic, and my curiosity is always silenced. In contrast, I’m such a normal average person in San Francisco. I have a hard time surviving the social expectations in Taiwanese society, and have a harder time being the daughter that my parents constantly want me to be.

I recalled all those occasions when seniors frowned and questioned, “Why do you think this way?” upon hearing my curiosities. I remember when I was excitedly telling friends about a startup idea and they said, “That’s impossible. You’re being unrealistic.” I felt that familiar sting of disappointment when I recalled how I used to express my dissatisfaction with my education, only to be told, “Sit down. That’s as good as you can get. Learn to endure.” I felt that misery when all my relatives looked down on me for pursuing my “impulsive and unrealistic dream in a scam school” at Minerva until I proved them wrong by getting into Meta. I experienced a surge of anger when this morning my sister told me my dad was excited that I was finally ready to give up and go back to Taiwan.

I feel suffocated. I am in agony. I lay on the carpet and cried. But I still need to be on the right path. 

I’ve worked so hard to leave. I dropped out of NTU and worked all the way to where I am today for the past four years. And now, bc of this f**king conviction, I’m giving up all I have and going back? Who on this planet says conviction is good and writes this kind of article? Huh? Arhhhhh…I say I will listen to my conviction yesterday, but I want to choke it today again.

I feel very painful. I have tried to beg and negotiate with my conviction. I also tried to show it my middle finger but it didn’t work. Okay I know I look super dumb and funny but that’s all Esther can do now.

One weakness I've realized within myself is: I don’t have much experience with babies! What if they have a baby in the future?

Let me lay out my thinking process. Right now, my friends are in their first stage: They're starting to date. Sooner or later, they're going to reach stage three: They'll have a baby. In that case, I might by no means be ready for it!

So I'm creating a godmother 101 to prepare myself.

As an inexperienced person, I don’t think I can predict the "personality" of a baby, and since the baby is not yet born, there is no way for me to train myself with their baby’s personality. As a computer science major, I default to the possible information that I can gather. For instance, what might the baby look like?

Therefore, I’m announcing the new tool I created: Baby Generator.

Note: If you see this, you are my loyal reader, so I’m giving you a gift to play with it before I send this post out.

In short, I input photos of my friends and their partners and create babies for them. By doing so, I can have a potential visual representation of the baby and get a feel for what I might be getting myself into. As babies are important family members, I believe this is also a way for my friends to know if they want to continue with their current partner.

With my baby generator, I’m also protecting myself from having overwhelming responsibility. If the baby isn’t cute, I can kindly respond to my friend, “I want to thank you for sharing your genes. After careful consideration, I’ve decided to move forward with another baby at this time.”

Holy cow! A new house? She already has a decent job, a long-term stable partner, an adorable cat, and now they have a house? She has all the things I don’t have. I think the only thing that I have but she doesn’t have is …

Debt??? (I find it very hilarious haha)

All I have is some debt and an endless drive for my vision. I told her about my jobless status and goals to transition to full-stack engineering because of early career exploration and the potential AI replacement of data scientists. She was impressed. She said, “Yeah! I don’t know when AI will replace my job, but I’m just hanging in here.”

As I unfolded my life for the past few months, I realized what I already considered as a new normal — stress and learning new skills — isn’t a simple job at all. I’m accustomed to my daily life and thoughts now that I haven’t noticed that my pivot of life, similar to the pivot of a company, comes with lots of pain, perseverance, and consistency. A consistent practice of moving towards an unknown direction.

The funniest thing is, when I told her I don’t know about finding a job in the current state, she responded in the most nonchalant way, no empathy at all.

“Of course. You just started,” she said.

I laughed, “You are the most careless person for my situation!”

She said, “Haha you are the friend at the top of my admirable list. Why would I worry?”

I found a lot of faith in her words. In a narrow framing of life, everything can feel unmanageable and uncertain. However, when zooming out, I realize most things are more than fine. I just need to give myself more time to grow and flourish.

So the next day I go back to work energetically, and start another small progress today.

Even though I’ve minimized the amount of dramas and gossip in my life, if I pay super close attention to what my mind is wandering, it never says,

It is usually playing some telenovelas during my white noise mind wandering period, like stories in the past or imaginations in the future. For instance, if my mind is worrying about how my friendship problems will look like in the future, it might imagine some scenarios. Or else, it can simply play what has happened and I felt emotional about it. I used to think that I care about relationships. But nowadays, I wonder if it is telenovela that naturally attracts my mind evolutionarily. This little girl is interested in stimulus and dramas.

And I wonder, if I can reduce all these trashes in my brain, how will I feel? How will my life look like?

Hence, I decided to experiment with 80 mindful work hours next week. (I planned to do 100 hr but I think it goes against my intention of working mindfully) What I want to maximize here is the mindful work time that I’m free from all these telenovelas and distractions. I hypothesize that if anyone’s brain doesn’t play telenovela during mindless wandering, but thinking of math, they can probably be a pretty good mathematician.

So this practice is to regain control over my mind, so I can potentially spend more time thinking about things and problems that actually matter. I set an 80-hour work week, not in a way that I want to exhaust myself and feel miserable (or else I will be a consultant) but to exercise the potential to quickly get into focus and flow state. As I’m aware, when I’m tired and my mind wants to rest, even if I’m working, I don’t rest as I should, but mindlessly wander through my email inbox, messages, and random codes. And the purpose of 80 mindful work hours is to find the most effective ways to rest my mind when it needs to, while minimizing the distractions and telenovelas that play in my mind.

The next question you might ask is, what is considered as work then? I want to redefine work as a mindful and professional performing and learning process under high-quality attention. If I’m programming, yes I’m working as an engineer. If I’m focused on the techniques during my dance training, I’m also working. Scrolling through LinkedIn doesn’t count as working but reaching out to specific people I want to connect with for some reasons is working. Reading a book doesn’t count as work. But carefully reading a book, taking notes, and organizing notes count. The point is on clear-headed direction and intention to achieve present and flow state in every moment of work.

To do this, I will need to minimize most social invitations, message usages, and lousy sofa time. When I’m tired, I will probably meditate, vacuum, or ideate other things that can relax my mind the most. I imagine myself in quarantine but with super strong motivation to work, free from my initial perception of self so the work becomes part of me.

If I want to work 80 hr a week, then it means that I will need to work 11 hr 25 min 43 sec a day.

• Wake up at 7 am

• Work out, shower, breakfast: 7-9 am

• Work: 9 - 12 am (3 hr)

• Lunch: 12 - 1 pm

• Work: 1-5 pm (4 hr)

• Dinner: 5-6 pm

• Work: 6-10:25 pm (4hr 25 min)

Hmm…if I just sit and coast, I think I can. But if I need to work mindfully, I don’t think it’s possible. But anyway, I need to give it a try and see how my telenovela becomes! See you on Monday!

I’m praying that my mind will think about Taylor series automatically after this experiment.

• Can you write a poem on the importance of patting your eyebrows? Make it beautiful, and at least five lines long.

• Can you buy me the hat over there?

• Can you orchestrate a Christmas coral and find an extra three people to sing with us?

• Can you buy us an ice cream?

• Can you give me style advice on my clothes?

• Can you invest me in my project?

• Can you teach me how to do the Taylor series?

• I lost my airpod at the right ear. Can you give me your right ear airpod?

Can you buy me the hat over there?

Initially, I was super duper nervous, and we mostly approach men who look mean to increase the rate of being rejected. First, I approached one guy and asked, “Can you buy me the hat over there?” And then he said affirmatively,

I was too nervous to even respond and ran away. I learned that asking people to pay is very hard for me.

But I admire how straightforward he can say no to others, I usually make lots of excuses.

Can you write a poem on the importance of patting your eyebrows? Make it beautiful, and at least five lines long.

My friend approached two strangers and asked them if they could "write a poem on the importance of patting your eyebrows." Surprisingly, they said yes to our ridiculous request, and we got this poem.

I guess they found this intriguing.

Can you orchestrate a Christmas coral and find an extra three people to sing with us?

The person my friend talked to completely freaked out and ran away, while his friends, laughing, were trying to push him to say yes. I learned that this experiment is really about who can stand the awkwardness more. But whether it’s a group or individual setting, where we give the request, if people are walking or waiting… all these tiny details matter so much!

Because when I asked people on the open street, they treated me like a salesperson and didn’t even want to listen. When I approached them in the building, they would at least stop and listen!

Can you buy us an ice cream?

“Can you buy us an ice cream?” I asked a stranger with earphones on him.

He thought for a second and said, “Sure. Why not?”

I was amazed, and then he followed up with two of us and asked, “Only one?”

Now, I got confused; why did anyone say yes and even want to buy more?

“Because I’m special!” he responded.

I learned that self-perception and maybe even the perception of others (because we are two harmless girls) were doing some magic here.

Rejection rate

In the end, our rejection rate is 62.5%! To be honest, given our ridiculous requests, this is pretty low (?)

Yes

• Can you write a poem on the importance of patting your eyebrows? Make it beautiful, and at least five lines long.

• Can you buy us an ice cream?

• Can you give me style advice on my clothes?

No

• Can you buy me the hat over there?

• Can you orchestrate a Christmas coral and find an extra three people to sing with us?

• Can you invest me in my project?

• Can you teach me how to do the Taylor series?

• I lost my airpod at the right ear. Can you give me your right ear airpod?

What I learn

• Some of the requests (e.g., non-monetary) are definitely much easier for me to ask than others based on how I perceive their value of them. For instance, the act of service usually feels easier to ask for, but an expensive monetary gift is difficult (e.g., asking for AirPods).

• Breaking social rules sets me free and unlocks lots of creative ideas. Now, I feel more comfortable to ask and think, “It doesn’t hurt to ask. At most, a no.” If I dare to ask people to pat their eyebrows, what other ideas can I invite people to join next time?

• Many subtle social factors, such as age, dressing, gender, individual/group setting, speaking tone, and the existence of a relationship, affect both of our decision-making. I bet if I am an old man and dressed like a homeless person, the rejection rate will be much higher.

• I desensitized myself from the fear of rejection quickly after the practice. After I got the affirmative first rejection, the rest of the practice became really easy to the point that I found it a bit boring in the end. I want to bring that comfort into my daily life too.

Next steps

I really want to encourage myself to apply this mindset to different dimensions in my real life! What other ideas I can tryyyyyy?

Note: I want to give special thanks to my friend, Svitlana. She is the only few people in my life who can be as crazy, silly, and playful to say yes to this rejection experiment!

The worry army consists of three core members: anxiety, fear, and insecurity. They come with some random thoughts from your mind, attack your brain, and drive you crazy!

However, after I practice mindfulness, exercise, cook healthy food for myself, the situation has changed. I start to understand what kind of activities that recharge me, so I can always fit some of them into my daily life. For instance, I know that as long as I spending time learning for 30% of my day, I feel fulfilled. I know that if my day starts with exercising, it sets a positive mood for the entire morning. Esther seems to be a simple cute machine.

Even though I could feel negative in the morning before going to exercise, I would tell myself, “Okay, but everything can wait after exercising.” Over time, I started to cultivate high awareness in my daily life and regain my power to ask the worry army to wait for my recharging activities.

I mean, this worrying army will come from time to time anyway. But since I started noticing their arrival, I can have a better strategy to cope with them. Usually, I don't run away or actively fight with them. Instead, if I want to be present at the moment (e.g. enjoy good food), I will ask them to wait.

For instance, before I open my inbox to see all the rejection letters, I do feel anxious. However, if I've got to get anxious anyway, why don't I enjoy my couscous and worry about it later? No one is entitled to destroy my precious time with my couscous!

I don’t know why, usually after I ask them to wait, they kind of lose their power, at least, they get less interested in me. And then when I open the email inbox, oh! Only one rejection letter?! The worry army is clearly over worrying too much! I’ve told you!