A genuinely happy valentine day
as a single person
Most people like to think single people are miserable on Valentine's Day, but I was the opposite. The first and only Valentine’s memory I have is fighting with my partner at the time. They told me I wasn’t allowed to give them the gift I prepared. Maybe because we were fighting, or maybe because they felt bad that they didn’t prepare anything for me. But back then, I didn’t care; I would still offer a lot to my loved ones, no matter if we were fighting, and no matter if they reciprocated.
I remember tearing up in the taxi while it was playing songs about breaking up. And that was my Valentine’s Day.
Fast forward to today, I still find our relationship one of the most difficult ones I’ve had. I still feel that surge of anger and that pinch of pain when they wrote, “I wish our past was like a beautiful bedtime story,” while I felt tortured in the so-called “not really a relationship” that we had.
For me, our relationship had already turned into a nightmare from this difficult journey, quite far from a bedtime story. That beautiful bedtime story are nothing mere than their own fantasy. I hate how much they dreamed of orchestrating their love life while utilizing me as a means to their end even they knew I was in pain. I felt frustrated that, similar to that Valentine’s Day, they rejected my offering simply because they lacked the capability to offer, and therefore the capacity to accept.
Even though I have that urge to tell the person, “Please treat me like a person, not a story you imagine, not a door you try to close, and not a problem you try to avoid,” I don’t know if I will ever express any of these to the person in this lifetime. It might hurt them, and hurt me too.
However, given all the difficulties, my heart still harbors a lot of love and willingness to give like that Valentine’s day. I don’t think my love has really changed over time. I was also surprised that it doesn’t change or despite the misery that I’ve experienced. It coexists with the anger, with the pain, and with the frustration and misery. I feel like an ocean, harboring all the complex emotions inside me. I still meditated on this relationship till today, praying for some courage to face, the openness to accept, and the wisdom to resolve. I don’t know what to resolve for. Maybe for the relationship or just for me. I don’t know yet.
This Valentine’s Day, I feel completely at peace and at ease. It’s finally a quiet, undisturbed, and peaceful day.