Though there are many "women in tech" events, most of them focus on stories of struggle and societal unfairness, rather than on practical strategies to handle challenging situations.
"People think I'm cheerful and happy, so they don't value my work."
"It's very hard to be a female founder."
"All the women in leadership positions act like men. I'm worried if I need to be like that..."
Putting on a mask and pretending to be a man seems to be a popular solution. However, is "pretending to be an alpha male" the only persona I can adopt to be heard, respected, and promoted? Is there another potential version of me that I can comfortably live with, without being dominant and aggressive?
Hence, Svitlana and I hosted a "Kind and Assertive" event where we invited women to let go of all the mistreatment they had experienced or social constructs that already existed. We focused solely on practical strategies we had learned and experimented with, which we shared and practiced with each other through examples and role-play.
Here are a set of questions we explore:
What should we do when we feel unheard or undervalued?
How might we create a version of ourselves in the workplace that we feel comfortable with?
How can we leverage the emotional and relationship intelligence we possess?
Though we each only have our own hammer, when we share it with each other, collective intelligence can create a toolkit that we can apply in various scenarios. Here are some strategies we have compiled into six categories below.
How to Reframe Power Dynamics?
Let's start by rewiring our brains. When do we feel powerless and fearful? Is it necessary to think of it that way? And how can we break these dynamics?
The focus of these two strategies is on reframing our existing belief of "We are powerless" or breaking the powerless situations we find ourselves in.
View the conversation as a social interaction, not as power dynamics.
It can be intimidating to have a discussion with someone who is more senior, more experienced, and at a higher level than you, because we are influenced by status, age, or gender.
When I was studying how salespeople pitch, one idea was to shift the viewpoint of power. For instance, if you perceive money as something of very high value, you will definitely feel powerless because you aren’t the buyer. However, if you view money as a means that requires your action/product to activate, the deal is just fine.
Similarly, if we change our perspective, viewing conversations as social interactions, we free ourselves from the powerless status that we put ourselves in, and therefore can appear more confident or come up with more ideas to steer the conversations. When communicating with a high-status manager, instead of feeling powerless, consider their status as a means to influence and create impact. Without your willingness to collaborate and engage, that high-status manager cannot facilitate meaningful change.
What other social interactions have we had before and what power do we hold?
Break the Framing People Set for Us
Feeling powerless in a situation with a high-status man can be daunting. One strategy I've learned is to identify the framing that people impose on us and intentionally break it. What is framing? A frame is the tool you use to package your power, authority, strength, information, and status. For instance, when you say, "We expect revenues to be $10 million next year," you are framing with the information of revenue. If someone interrupts you and says, "Who cares about your made-up revenue projections. Tell me what your expenses are going to be," they have changed your frame. Being aware of the frame means not following the frame that others set for us. One way to do this is to place high value on something important that you want to protect.
Let's use time as an example. For instance, if your client says, "Well, I only have about 10 minutes to meet with you, but come on in," how would you respond?
Appreciate their time, and give a super quick intro.
Express that it is not enough time to introduce your product.
These are the responses I gained in the session, but they position us within the 10-minute frame that the client set. How can we improve this? How about valuing our time and the importance of the relationship?
No. I don’t work like that. There’s no sense in rescheduling unless we like each other and trust each other. I need to know, are you good to work with, can you keep appointments, and stick to a schedule?
By valuing our time, we don't fall into the power dynamic that others set for us.
What to Do When Emotions Are Intense?
This category of strategies is for intense situations, like heated discussions or uneasy relationships.
Ask Questions with Curiosity
Some very high-level colleagues asked Esperanza, "Where do you think you are misaligned with the company?"
Feeling attacked, she immediately defended herself by giving many explanations. Looking back, she learned that rather than giving long explanations, she could approach the situation with curiosity, asking, "Why do you think this way?"
By doing so, she shifted the responsibility back to her colleague. It's not only about learning his perspective but also about letting the other person be aware of the assumptions they are holding against her.
This strategy requires high awareness, as we often feel the need to defend and explain when we feel attacked. To apply this, separating outward situations from inward responses is the major practice.
Use Async Communication
Sometimes, it's challenging to have a smart reaction on the spot. However, using other communication tools, such as Slack, can give you time to draft thoughtful messages or arguments. Additionally, people are usually more mindful of the messages they send in chat because there is a record. A good reaction takes time to practice, but we can start small.
Break the Toxic Pattern with Surprise
When you're in an uncomfortable dynamic with someone, doing something surprising can be helpful to break the pattern and restart the relationship. For instance, you could give them chocolate or a compliment, like, "Oh! I like the jacket you're wearing!" Of course, it needs to be genuine. The surprise or kindness is usually very effective at breaking the awkwardness between both of you. When the pattern is broken, it becomes easier to communicate and repair the relationship.
This method requires a lot of emotional maturity (Not there yet, but want to have it in my toolkit.).
How to Embody Confidence and Assertiveness?
I view this category as short-term strategies that can quickly gain respect in the workplace. However, if these strategies aren't natural or if you want to work on things that align more with your innate self, consider "How to build a personal brand at work?" in the next category.
Don't be Overly Grateful
Ade told us that she was so grateful that the weight of her gratitude overwhelmed people. Just as she learned not to apologize all the time, she also learned not to thank people constantly.
Short Sharp One-Liners
People are more likely to lose attention during long explanations. Alaba shared that when she gave lengthy explanations, they often created more issues for her, making her look unconfident and creating even more space for critique with every word she said. However, if she used one-liners and avoided over-explaining, people questioned less and it also made her appear more confident.
For instance, "I don't think this is relevant to the discussion" is a complete sentence. The person can always follow up or clarify if it's insufficient.
Change Our External Expression
Outfit: With a multitude of personalities, Christina usually wore her most authentic self-expressive clothes to work, often manifested in a hippie outfit and vibes. However, one day Amy conducted an experiment and wore more bulky, masculine clothes. Doing so awakened a masculine side within her and allowed her to exercise her power more easily, likely influencing how she is perceived in the workplace. It wasn't about molding to fit in, but rather embracing a certain side of herself that enabled her to reach her goals.
Language Usage: Megan mentioned that people perceived her as less professional when she appeared cheerful in meetings. When she lowered her voice and spoke more slowly, people appreciated her work much more.
How to Build a Compatible Personal Brand?
Be Consistent with the Brand You Want to Build
Aarya said that her manager, Kritika, can easily say no to others but is still very likable in her company because Kritika is famous for “no-nonsense.”
Whenever Kritika calls out someone, there might be a few seconds of discomfort, but people usually think, “Oh, that’s just Kritika!”
On the other hand, if you are kind 90% of the time and saying yes to everyone, but one day you say a harsh no, people will often find you strange or even rude.
It’s about the kind of expectation you set for yourself in front of others by acting consistently on it. Hence, it is possible to be likable and assertive at the same time.
However, what if you cannot be consistent?
Share your ongoing development
If consistency is challenging, be transparent about your inconsistency. You can communicate to others, "I'm continuously evolving, and this is what I'm currently working on."
For example, Sophie informed her CEO that she wanted to improve her public speaking skills and would appreciate the opportunity to practice. If she suddenly started talking about it without prior notice, it might seem strange to others. However, since she gave a heads up, her colleagues could understand and rationalize her behavior, allowing her to change her professional brand.
The takeaway here is, if there's a brand you want to develop, strive for consistency! But if that's not possible, turn your inconsistency into a brand too!
Embrace and emphasize your difference
It is hard to always pretend you are interested given the cultural or gender differences. Instead of trying to fit in, it might be better to acknowledge the differences that exist, and that’s okay. For instance, we can be honest and say that we aren’t interested in football.
Highlighting it features your honesty and also reminds people that “We are different and you cannot judge me with the assumptions you hold.”
It’s okay to say I’m a woman, or I’m not from America, or I’m not interested in this topic.
How to Utilize the Power of Relationships?
It's common to hear that women excel at building relationships. But how can we utilize this skill in practical ways?
Make Your Enemies Your Allies
When a friend encounters others expressing racist or sexist opinions, Emily often responds with, "I understand your perspective, but please don’t share this with other women."
In doing so, she creates a space to educate those who may be unaware, while also building their trust and avoiding defensive responses.
Team up with other females
Emma mentioned that she and another female colleague, Olivia, are always overworking and underappreciated when they attend product meetings full of males. Emma told Olivia that she didn’t deserve this. Initially, her colleague found it hard to act on it because the responsibilities weren’t clear... But after their back and forth debate, she realized it’s not her fault and spoke up for herself. Teaming up doesn’t only mean supporting each other’s opinions in the meeting, but also empowering each other and challenging our biased perceptions.
Make Yourself the Ingroup and Bring Outgroup Dynamics
Ariana embraced her side of masculinity. She listened to all the soccer talks and merged herself into the friend group of men. She leveraged that she is already in the ingroup and brought segues into the real topics. People feel less attacked when they already consider you as their in group. It can turn some uncomfortable debates into casual discussions.
How to Utilize Emotional Intelligence?
Calling People Out with Emotional Micro-doses
It may seem like a risky approach, but it is quite possible if applied intelligently.
If you want to address people directly, find a safe space like a one-on-one. When Hana's colleagues kept talking during every meeting, she told them during their one-on-one, "Hey, you have been talking about sports for 20 minutes while we don't have action items yet."
Another way to call out is using emotional micro-doses. Emotional micro-doses involve coating some emotional comfort with direction, which will make it much easier for people to take in.
For instance, when Jiwoo was blamed for not finishing work with ambiguous responsibility, she didn’t apologize or get angry. She said, “I think Jack passed me the project but we never clarified the responsibility. I’m not saying that’s your fault, Jack. But I suggest that we should make who needs to finish what clearer in our collaboration.”
Approach with Humor
"Why are all the tech bros having Huel?" Himari joked with her colleagues. When we don't feel comfortable expressing directly, we can package the message in a casual and harmless way, like humor. People can still understand it without having a serious head-to-head conversation. Another example is when a founder asked Phuong, "Are you a beast?" (aka are you good enough to be on our team)
Rather than falling into his frame and proving that she’s good enough, Phuong can simply respond with humor to break it, “Well… if you mean my face. Sorry, I’m really not that ugly.”
Humor is one of the many ways to express ourselves in a non-aggressive manner. What other expressions can we use?
Reflection: How to Handle Our Emotions After These Strategies?
At the end of our session, I wondered, if most of these approaches are strategies, how can we still take care of our emotions? How do we handle the frustration or the anger that accumulates inside us over time even when we know how to resolve the task?
"Be empathetic towards both yourself and the other side at the same time," one responded.
"How about not taking our life so seriously? Everything can be a joke," Polina said.
"Why not cry? Why don't we allow ourselves to cry at work?" Camila wondered.
In essence, what even is "professional behavior"? If we are humans with emotions, why do we need to always be rational in the workplace? Is being professional a version that we pretend to be so we can blend in? Or is it one projection of us that is constantly evolving, adapting, innovating, so we can become the person who we want to see?
The more we discussed, the more I realized this is not only about our behavior in the workplace. It's about the philosophy inside us, the emotional intelligence that we are cultivating, and the person we want to become. It is not just an outward expression, but an inward practice.
Ending Notes
If you're reading this, it means that you've made it through the entire post and are probably quite dedicated to this topic. I want to encourage you to practice these methods through role play with a friend. I found that applying different strategies through role play was the most effective method during our sessions. Without practice, we will easily revert to our default strategy, which is most likely no strategy.
During one role play, my partner screamed, “Because of YOU, we will need to delay the entire project timeline!”
Her amazing acting completely freaked me out, and I gasped, “Give me a minute to think about it.” I quickly went through the strategy list above and decided to use “ask questions with curiosity” to understand the source of her anger, and gradually bring us back on track with the emotional microdose strategy. Seeing how different people approached scenarios that we were stuck with was a fruitful learning experience from collective intelligence.
Anyway, if you're interested in joining our learning journey, feel free to reach out :)
Notes
(a) Special thanks to Svitlana, Tianhui, Asma, Lavanya, Aonosha, Anu, and Dima for the brainstorming, and extra special thanks to Svit, Anu, and Tianhui for their exceptional editing.
(b) For simplicity, this post primarily considers gender dynamics, specifically females versus males, but its intention is to support minority groups. (c) All names used are fictional to ensure privacy protection.
(d) While many of the stories here are drawn from specific contexts, I have made every effort to avoid misinterpretation.
(e) Resources:
- Pitch Anything: An Innovative Method for Presenting, Persuading, and Winning the Deal
- 15 principles for managing up