“Hey, I’m really sad today.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like to talk sometime between 3–5 pm this Saturday? My calendar is open.”
People often say women are naturally more emotionally and socially intelligent. But honestly, many of my girlfriends in tech remind me a lot more of men…
They’re usually engineers, practical, efficient, solution-driven. But when it comes to understanding human emotions, many of them seem to... Sometimes it even feels like they’re disconnected from their own emotions, or unsure how to process them. That’s why when you share how you feel, they’ll often default to giving you either (1) a logical explanation, or (2) a practical solution. Neither of which is what you want in the moment.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re kind, well-intentioned people. But after spending so much time in male-dominated tech spaces, they’ve lost some of the delicacy and nuance that often shapes how women tend to connect with one another.
Remember this?
That’s how I often felt when I’m around my tech girlfriends, but I’m the only girl in the the friendship.
One day, after one of my tech girlfriends stood me up for 3 times after our dinner plan. I said,
My friend answered in the most shamelessly innocent way, completely missing the undertone of my question. Her voice was so guileless that I couldn’t decide whether to burst out laughing or strangle her on the spot.
I’m still learning how to appreciate them as they are. One good thing is that they tend to be very uncomplicated, usually carrying this steady “boyfriend energy.” It feels like a mix of having a man’s personality combined with a woman’s sense of caring capability and responsibility.
What started to help me is imagining them as men in those emotional moments. Actively framing my expectations that way makes it easier to relax when they don’t pick up on cues or grasp emotional subtleties. Subtle hints often backfire with them, so being more direct is usually the healthier approach. I either lower my expectations for them to understand my emotions, or I directly ask them to give me a better emotional response when I share how I’m feeling, and we practiced a role play together.
My non-tech girlfriends keep telling me it’s too much effort and not worth my time, but honestly, they can be kinda cute and funny. Welcome to my Cute Asian Girl Training Academy. Let’s see how many months this academy will last.
