As a timid person
relationship with fear chapter 1
I grew up as a very timid child. In kindergarten, I was so afraid to be there that my parents had to send my younger sister with me to accompany me. (She ended up staying in kindergarten for nine years because of me.) In second grade at an elementary school in Taiwan, I remember we had school lunch once a week. The teacher said we had to finish all the food and that wasting food was not allowed. My heart started pounding. I felt overwhelmed and stressed, but I gathered my courage and took the amount of food I would normally eat at home so I wouldn’t be hungry in the afternoon. Still, because I was so anxious, I couldn’t finish my meal. When the teacher insisted that I finish it, I cried.
After that, I cried every week during lunchtime. Eventually, I somehow decided that it would be easier to cry in advance, so I began crying the moment I arrived at school. I did that every week for an entire semester.
I was a timid person, and even now, I often see that timid child still living inside me.
To this day, when I see people on the dance team moving confidently with fluid, sexy posture, I see myself fumbling, tripping, and feeling afraid. Even when the dance teacher tells me, “Great job on the performance,” I respond with, “Ah… there’s still a lot of room for improvement.”
At work, I often feel behind and not good enough. New projects intimidate me, and I worry that I won’t be able to finish them on time. I often worried if I’m not intelligent enough for this work. These feelings persist even though I’ve already received three job offers this year.
In relationships, especially romantic ones, the pattern repeats. As relationships rise and fall, I often feel wave after wave crashing into me. At times, the waves feel overwhelming, the pain too heavy to carry, and I still feel new to it all, uncertain and lost as I try to find my footing.
In the three years since I graduated, I’ve come to realize that fear has been blocking my potential. Everyone around me says I have an incredible growth trajectory because I learn so quickly, yet I feel frustrated that this mental barrier feels too large to overcome.
And every day, I dream of unblocking it.
I dream of being more confident, more at ease, more adventurous—and more alive.
One day, while walking to the corner store to buy a red onion, I found clarity in an ordinary moment. I thought about my “core.” When your core is strong, no matter how others push or pull at you, you stay grounded. You don’t lose balance. You don’t disappear.
And then I realized: I no longer need to measure myself through other people.
I can admire their abilities, their lives, and their values without letting them dim my light. Their paths are theirs. Mine is mine. My energy no longer belongs to comparison or self-doubt.
The spotlight of my life is on me—on my growth, my voice, my choices, and my becoming.
