Life changing silence meditation

flow

I attended a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat over Christmas and New Year. Even now, the effects remain strong. It changed how I respond to life, and, as a result, who I am.

After cultivating deep awareness in meditation, much of what happens around me feels like it’s unfolding in slow motion. Like those cinematic scenes where a bullet moves slowly toward the main character. There is space before impact. Time stretches. I can see things before they touch me.

The most profound inner changes have been equanimity and gratitude.

A growing sense of capacity

My life feels fuller, yet paradoxically lighter. It doesn’t feel like I’ve gained more capacity; rather, I’ve stopped resisting life and begun moving with it.

This was my recent weekend and Monday:

Saturday

• Morning: deep flow writing, then a sewing event where I slowly made new friends

• Afternoon: reggaeton class, reading in a café

• Evening: gym training

Sunday

• Morning: coffee and reading with my roommate

• Afternoon: second-hand furniture shopping and coffee with a new friend

• Evening: massage, cleaning the house, watching Hamnet

Monday

• Morning: learning design

• Afternoon: carrying heavy furniture home, three hours at IKEA

• Evening: assembling furniture and writing now

These days were either physically demanding or mentally intense. I did feel tired, but at the same time, I could still remain meditative. While assembling furniture, I noticed my roommate, who had experienced a similar day, felt stressed and irritated.

It’s not that stress has disappeared from my life. It hasn’t. The difference is that I notice stress or fatigue without allowing it to grow into suffering. I don’t feed it. And in not feeding it, so much of the weight I used to carry simply dissolves.

Letting it be instead of resisting

One small example: when my roommate suggested a spontaneous movie night, discomfort arose. My mind immediately began speaking—“What if I have something else to do? What if something bad happens? What if I forget something important while seeking pleasure?”

Before, I would have gone to the movie with these thoughts quietly running in the background, draining me. Now, I notice them and recognize a familiar habit: imagining the worst-case scenario even when everything is fine. Instead of searching for evidence to support the fear, I acknowledge it and let it go. I surrender into life.

Emerging gratitude

I’m not naturally a grateful person. Gratitude never came easily to me. Yet since returning from Vipassana, I find myself feeling grateful every day, without effort.

When I recently moved to NYC and had almost nothing in my room, I felt deeply grateful just to have a mattress. I slept peacefully, like a baby.

Before, I believed something good had to happen in order for me to feel grateful. Now, gratitude feels less like a practice and more like a state of being. I don’t know exactly why. It simply emerged.

Identifying old bad habits

Rather than falling back into old patterns, I now notice them. During Vipassana, I became aware of a persistent inner voice that repeats, “I’m not good enough.” It has quietly shaped much of my life.

One night, while returning from a late train that wasn’t running as Google Maps had promised, frustration and anxiety built as I stood there watching nothing move. I noticed the sensations: irritation, tightness, impatience. Thoughts followed,“This is too slow.” “I’m wasting time.” “I could have done so much work.”

I simply observed them and let them pass. Then something became clear: all these voices were rooted in the belief that I am not enough. In that moment, I consciously shifted my attention, reminding myself of the meaningful work I had already done that day.

Strangely, the urgency dissolved. I didn’t rush home to open my laptop. I felt complete. I am enough. Why rush, if nothing is lacking? The delay of the train ended up becoming a blessing.

Patience & Presence is powerful

Since 2023, I’ve been intentionally practicing patience, within my life, within myself, and with others. I’ve come to realize that combining this patience with the presence I’ve cultivated through Vipassana is immensely powerful.

I feel less and less compelled to figure everything out. A broken relationship? I can sit and wait. A visa problem? I’ll see what unfolds and stay with the present moment. I no longer feel the need to prove myself, now or later.

Life is adequate. Life is adequate.

Finding peace in pain

Even during a recent situationship breakup, I was surprised by how steady I remained. There was pain, yes. Sadness lingered at the edges. Anger surfaced from time to time. But within it all, I could often find moments of equanimity, and those moments were powerful.

Instead of fixating on emotions or constantly interpreting discomfort, I let sensations be. I know deeply now that unpleasant sensations pass. Everything is impermanent.

I no longer force positive thinking when things go wrong. I no longer push away negative emotions. Somehow, this allows more peace than I’ve ever known. When I don’t know what to do, I rest in not knowing, allowing things to be exactly as they are.

When everything seems to fall apart, I still understand: things will change. Everything is impermanent. Anicca.

When I stop centering life around myself and instead rest in present sensation, life flows.

Good or bad, life flows.