How to communicate with housemates in our hacker house?
Voice out my needs without feeling pressure
In yesterday’s post, Live With Fear Every Day, I talked about all my fears about my future, my house, and my mental health. Today, I brought all of them to the table for our hacker house’s goal-setting kick-off session. I realized this might be one of the smartest decisions to tackle my fear.
During goal-setting sessions, people usually only list out tangible projects or tasks they want to achieve in the next few months. However, I expanded on this approach by discussing the importance of the living environment in contributing to our career success. Below is the list of questions I included in our house goal-setting session.
Career-related
How do I picture myself after the next two months?
Who do I want to look like?
Where do I want to be at?
My OKR
How do I want my daily life to look like?
What do I want to build?
House-related
What do I want my house to look like?
What do I want to learn from my housemate? What do I want to share? What might be potential problems among us?
Personal-related
What are my boundaries?
My biggest fear
The new things that I add is a house-related and personal-related question so I can bring out all my inner fear under the light.
Here is the first session I learn. When I write it down and share all my underlying worries as a list with everyone, it is more effective than simply talking to a housemate and complaining about what’s bothering me. By reframing the situation as a problem-solving scenario, rather than a complaining or attacking session, people become more aware of our shared interests in solving housing problems as a whole, which fosters a collaborative environment.
For example, one question I shared with my housemates is “What do I want my house to look like?
"I would love my house to be a safe space to grow and learn from each other. Not only on doing more work, but on making good career decisions, pursuing passions, and emotionally supporting each other on this journey, so we can bring the best out of us,” I wrote.
I raised the awareness that the success of our careers is strongly tied to the success of the house. Maximizing our personal interests will not benefit us as a group if we are hostile and take advantage of each other. Conversely, if we create a supportive environment where people feel encouraged and supported, then 1+1 will be greater than 2. From here, we can ask ourselves: if our house encounters problems, what can we do? What strengths or capacities do we possess to help each other out? How do we want to support each other?
Under this framework, I realized that it brought out the best in us rather than highlighting our shortcomings. To take it one step further, I openly discussed the problems I saw in my relationships with every housemate respectively, as well as potential issues that they should keep in mind regarding me. For example, I explained that I might not be communicative enough and could potentially build up resentment over time, but that I will make an effort to improve in this house. This allowed me to implicitly showcase my priorities and permitted others to notice and assist me in my weakest moments.
Next, I want to discuss my second learning. When my housemates saw my list of questions, they were inspired and began creating their own. This normalization of behavior made communication easier for me and helped me better understand their needs and desires. For example, one housemate wants to learn how I build relationships with others and be a listening ear for our rants, while the other wants to discover her strengths and weaknesses and engage in more housemate activities to connect with everyone.
To be frank, this information may be more important than just knowing how many jobs you want to apply for in a day. It reveals our underlying values, wishes, and boundaries on how we operate as individuals. I learn so much more about them than ever before. We also discovered many overlapping interests that allow us to help each other out. For example, we all want a home that is not just a place to work, but also a space to have fun and relax.
After four years of sharing living space, I have come to realize the importance of housemates and roommates beyond just coexisting. I am grateful that my house shares the same mentality and can have open conversations. I have learned that with the right timing and approach, I don’t need to be confrontational to address my concerns in the house.
This is the 17th post from my 30-day writing challenges. I was inspired by Tung Nguyen, a friend who is a famous blogger. He overcame the fear of creation through mass-producing blogs and eventually found his own niche audiences.