How to open a closed door?
The secret knock
Recently, a founder friend of mine told me she got a date. "Wow, that's great! Tell me the story!" I said, genuinely surprised. Founders are usually too deep in startup life to care much about dating. I was happy to hear she’d made the effort.
“I was at a bar that night,” she began, “and I saw an attractive woman walking out. So I ran after her, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked, ‘Want to come in and dance with me?’ But she said no.”
At that point, my palms started sweating. Who does that?? I consider myself pretty social, but I’d never dare to literally chase someone down like that. And the rejection, ugh. I’d be mortified.
“But then I got her contact info and texted her,” she continued.
What?? That’s bold. This girl was seriously fearless.
“But the first thing she asked me was my age. She’s 30, and I’m only 24. She told me her cutoff is 27. I’m the same age as her younger sister…”
Oof. Brutal. That sounded like a definite no.
“But I got the date!”
Wait, what??
“I sent her a list of reasons why I think I’m mentally mature.”
At this point, I was completely stunned. I couldn’t believe she not only followed up after being rejected, but put together a whole list to make her case. If it were me, I would’ve given up right there, and shot myself in the head.
I realized there were so many reasons holding me back from even trying: fear of embarrassment, fear of looking awkward, fear of making someone uncomfortable by being too forward. And above all, this lingering question: Why bother trying if it seems almost impossible from the start?
“But the worst-case scenario is just getting rejected,” she said. “The best-case? You meet your life partner. The upside is infinite!” She added, “And I made sure to write the message kindly, so it didn’t feel like pressure.”
She blew my mind. I realized that both I and the society around me hold this deep assumption about what a “closed door” looks like. We assume it's shut tight just because it seems that way. But most of us don’t even try to knock. We just stand at a distance and say, “Well, that door’s obviously closed.” But often, it’s not. The possibility behind it could be infinite. And all it takes is a simple knock.
How many opportunities have I missed because of a fixed mindset?
How many invisible doors are out there, waiting to be discovered, if I only dared to approach?
We’re taught to define failure as rejection, or not getting what we want. But the real failure is not even trying. I remember being crushed when a founder rejected me, saying I wasn’t good enough. I spiraled into self-doubt and depression. But honestly, I think my friend would’ve handled that same rejection with much more curiosity or resilience. Maybe even another thoughtful message. And the ending might be very different.
She reminded me: courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the choice to knock anyway.
If I’ve adopted this mindset earlier in my life, I’m pretty sure I’m married and have a IPO company now! Feeling inspired, I decided to put this mindset into practice (I’m very action-oriented hehe). There was someone I admired, and the best friend of hers had once told me, "She’s fxxking straight."
Still, I decided to ask directly just as a practice even though I didn’t really see a point.
“Are you straight?”
No response.
So I boldly followed up with a message that was more thoughtful and clear:
“Just for the context, Esther figured you are probably straight because your best friend said so. But you has great qualities that Esther will consider to honor as a partner. So if you has ever considered to explore her sexuality, Esther doesn’t want to miss out on a great person ❤️”
Esther isn’t not sure how she does it, but she somehow managed to combine directness with a non-pressuring kindness and gentleness. (ChatGPT doesn’t help! So proud that I come up with this writing myself)
In that moment, She knew a new chapter had begun—one where she’d start noticing the invisible doors all around her, in life, love, and work.
So, where is the next invisible doorknob?