When my offer eventually doesn't pass through, I know that I'm back to a score = 0 in my life.
This month, as some offers seem to almost come through, I spent all my time building a product to help junior engineers learn with a friend of mine. I was so HAPPY! He tutored me in full-stack engineering, we designed and iterated on the product, and conducted user interviews. Under his tutoring, I was in full-speed learning software engineering. And for sure, learning gave me immense joy every day. However, as my financial stress increases, I know that immense learning without being paid is not sustainable.
Now, what? Start my entire job search process again. To be honest, I am actually very ready to settle with whatever I have at my hand at this moment. But, I just feel something is wrong about it. Even though keeping searching, wondering, and being rejected seems scary and stressful, I don't feel that I'm ready to settle.
So I'm back to a score = 0 again like the moment I graduated. But this time, the score 0 isn't the same score 0 as the time I graduated, nor is it the score 0 of the time I got fired. Compared to a few months ago when I felt heartbroken, disappointed at being fired, scared of not finding a meaningful career. Today,
I'm emotionally stable and feel more curious than fearful even though I'm still lost.
I have built a community who value presence, play, and exploration of life to support each other.
I have grown out of my breakup, being kind while assertive with myself and my past.
I accumulate confidence to be a full-stack engineer after my friend's daily tutoring.
Some assumptions, for instance, I can only do backend engineering related to AI, no longer hold true. And when some fundamental assumptions of a game have changed, the strategy to play should be renovated.
I feel very sad that I cannot build my own product because I don't have money, aware that not settling means that financial stress will increase, and recognize that the work I'm in search of feels like finding an unachievable unicorn.
But I have no idea why, there is an inner voice that wants me to take a leap of faith. I have no idea why my heart functions like this, feel a bit annoyed for the next 500+ rejection letters, and have no idea how the future will unfold. But, I guess I need to do it because my heart tells me to...
I wish I can understand myself a bit more sometimes (crying).
How did you build the community?