Love as a feeling

How to interact with the feeling of love when there isn’t a way out?

Here, I meant to interact with the feelings, not the people.

I noticed that expectations always subconsciously built up when I expressed my love, and I quickly got disappointed when my expression of love wasn’t reciprocated. You can say my love is conditional, but throughout so many relationships, I realized that a healthy, balanced relationship is experiencing love and being loved simultaneously. Loving too much without being loved makes people feel disappointed, angry, and resentful. Being loved too much without the ability to reciprocate people feel guilty and stressed.

A healthy balance of loving and being loved seems to be a difficult, intricate balance between two people that is hard to achieve. I don’t know why. I’m always the one who loves more in my romantic relationships. All my partners often told me they couldn’t love me because “love” is a big word. They couldn’t love me because they weren’t capable of it. They can only “care” about me. For me, that doesn’t make any sense. I care so much about all my friends and often feel love between us, too. If they can only have the ability to manage, what’s the point of our intimacy?

Yes, I know it sounds like a word game. Like, love, care about. But I don’t understand why people become so stingy in romantic relationships. People like to gauge the give-and-take, fear of being the one who is exploited. People are afraid to love for fear of being hurt more than their partner. But I strive to give all my love. Yes, all my breakups have seemed to be much more devastating than my partner experienced. They can move on to the next person as if our experience has not influenced them. Yet, loving someone has a significant distinction compared to wanting to feel the spark of attraction or the comfort of mere company. I seek for the prior, not the latter. That’s why sometimes I think I’m in a trap/a deep connection with the feeling of loving others.

Recently, while texting, I wrote, “I think staying friends is too hard for me. I guess subconsciously, I still want to have more than that. So I think it might be better to stop for a while. But I’ve tried hard already.”

You might see it as stupid, honest, or vulnerable, but this is me. Some friends laughed, “Date 5 months and break up 5 months, but you are still here? Such a simper!” I realized I don’t mind either. Because loving someone you are no longer with can still, feel present.

Since we started texting, I realized that if we meet 100 times in this lifetime, I would probably fall in love 100 times with them. Yet, I deeply understand that they couldn’t give me what I needed; feelings need to be protected by boundaries. Hence, I let the feeling of love brush through me, sometimes with warmth, sometimes in a mask of disappointment.