negotiate on your ground
salary & relationship
One of my favorite quotes is: “Strong conviction, let it loose.” It’s easy to follow this in work and projects, much harder when it’s personal. What do I do when my value system feels attacked? What do I do when people don’t give me what I know I deserve?
Negotiation
I’ve never been comfortable negotiating. I hate making people uncomfortable.
I’m afraid of damaging relationships. And honestly? I’ve always felt too soft, too friendly, too “I just want everyone to be okay” to negotiate boldly.
But recently, life forced me to negotiate, both in salary and in relationships.
Here’s what I learned.
Salary Negotiation
Even though I know the logic of principled negotiation, I still feel shy asking for what I want. How much do I think I deserve? Why should someone pay me more?
But today, I tried two new mindsets:
I’m not here to fight to the death. I’m practicing. I’m playing.
Come in with collaboration, not combat.
A friend gave me a message that completely shifted how I spoke:
I want to be part of the team long term. And based on my observations of myself, I am the most invested when I feel valued doing what I do. So after some thinking, I thought increasing X would help me be in that position. So I’m here today to figure out if there’s a way we can make this work.
Suddenly it wasn’t “I deserve this, give me this.” It became something that felt like me: reasoning, collaborating, caring, and trying to win together.
It also reminded me that if I’m unhappy, the collaboration won’t work anyway.
Negotiation wasn’t about fighting, it was about alignment.
I actually started falling in love with salary negotiation. It felt magical to observe how humans handle disagreement, to understand them, to understand myself.
How lucky am I to get to practice this art?
I don’t have to be fierce.
I don’t have to be aggressive.
I can still ask for what I want, without shame, and still wish for both sides to be happy.
And the final anchor was an abundance mindset: I can walk away. It’s scary, because humans cling to what we already have. But I’m practicing trust.
I’m practicing flow.
Relationship Negotiation
Relationships have their own push and pull. Often the push is when our boundaries are crossed; the pull is desire tugging us forward even when we’re not grounded enough to stand firm.
Standing up for your beliefs
A good relationship negotiator knows who they are and can articulate it clearly.
They hold beliefs firm enough to walk away when a non-negotiable isn’t met.
That kind of clarity takes self-love and self-confidence, things I’ve slowly built over years.
So when someone doesn’t respect my rules, instead of bending, I now think: “Huh? But X, Y, Z people move through my world so gracefully. If you can’t, I kindly ask you to leave.”
Looking back at my texts, I felt proud when I wrote:
“I request the entire world to play by this rule because I am a queen. Play my game if you want my time.”
Dramatic? Yes. Accurate? Also yes. I still get swayed as I grow, but my core is firm enough now to negotiate from truth, not fear.
Laying Out Beliefs in Concrete Detail
I also learned that vague concepts don’t protect boundaries. “Exclusivity matters to me” means nothing unless I operationalize it.
For example, here’s how I explained it:
“I don’t allow people to text me on iMessage except for family, friends of 5+ years, and my partner. That’s the only place I have notifications, and my attention is reserved for the people I truly value.”
When I wrote this out, people took it seriously. More importantly, I took it seriously.
It says: “This is who I am. I’m not changing this for you. I’m not changing this for anyone.”
Negotiate in Executable Options
Simply saying “I need a safe space” is not quite useful. The other person will say, “Take things at your pace,” and you still won’t feel safe.
A friend once gave me an example: “For me to feel safe in exploration, we don’t explore beyond physical boundaries. No cuddling, no dates.”
Clear. Actionable. Measurable.
I may not know where my emotional vs physical boundaries lie, but when I draw the line clearly, it creates a container both of us can understand.
In the past, I only said, “I feel sad because you did X.” But I never took the chalk and drew the line on the floor. Executable clarity helps me move with confidence and grace. It earns respect , not resentment.
And What If I Don’t Know Who I Am? Honestly? Same. I’m still confused, still evolving, still figuring myself out. But I’ve already made progress.
Negotiation, in work and relationship, is helping me learn who I am, by asking me to articulate what I value, and to walk away when it’s not honored.