Open My Heart

Honesty of feelings, rethink about "ex" and "breakup"

Okay, my post, My best literature analysis, about reading my ex's emails might sound really stupid and comical, but her response actually stirred up tears within me again.

I found myself struggling with a confusing mix of fear and bewilderment. The emails had no apparent triggers and had a casual and friendly tone, but I don't know why my tears just flowed uncontrollably. I frantically texted my friends, asking if my brain was broken. I was fine before! We only dated for 5 months, so why am I still here 3 months after the breakup? I think I might still be crying after my ex has dated 100+ people and has kids.

But when I calmed down after a few days, I asked myself, "What if I still like her?" To this, I responded with unvarnished honesty - yes. In a world where people might assign labels like "simping," I weirdly felt the contrary. The liking feels like an affirmation of my present state of being. It wasn't an exercise in revising the past or desiring more in the future; it simply is. A silent tone of likeness. A candid admission that I still cared, unaffected by the hands of time.

Because likeness is just another cup of feeling I own, tapping out from my heart.

I realized that "ex" has a negative connotation in general. It indicates the past and is strongly associated with failure, heartache, and toxic relationships. It also refers to people without using their names, without showing respect for who they are. It's like saying "Obama's wife" instead of “Michelle Obama”. But people are essentially different, independent entities. Why do we always need to remind each other of our history, showing that it has ended or was a failure? Life is a cadence of intersections and departures, a dance of stars fleeting in and out of each other's orbits.

My step started to feel light when I let go of my feelings for T (an abbr for my ex). It's weird to say, but the strongest feeling I have is... present (?). I can only say it's a very humble human experience. I'm not angry or dissatisfied with life like I used to be, but very grounded in the soil of acceptance and ready for whatever life is going to give me next, with or without her.

So I drafted a new email. I told her that I still like her, but I am aware that she wants to be friends. Although I am not ready for it yet, we can talk about it in the future.

With the email, a quick acknowledgment of honesty flows into my heart. I know that T has created a safe environment for me, so I am not afraid of telling her. I feel that no matter how she takes it, she won't hurt me (fingers crossed). I am very grateful to bath in our trust for each other even though we have separated.

Even though putting my heart out still makes me feel naked and vulnerable, and I might feel torn down when the response comes, I resonate with the core of the human experience. The olive pasta with egg yolk I had today felt like the best I’ve ever had in the world. My heart was uplifted because I began to experience another color of love that I can give to people and the world. It’s a synchrony of my feelings and who I am. In Mandarin, there is a saying called "問心無愧" which means that I ask my heart and there is no regret, shame, or remorse. That’s exactly how I feel now.

Nowadays, I have started to reconsider the purpose of dating. For me, it’s no longer a search for finding the right partner but experiencing deep and profound connections with people to expand my capability and quality of love, like the way I experienced in "The Sixth Love Language." No matter who I’m with, I can always love and want to love better.

People like to think that a breakup is a detrimental end. Nowadays, I think it’s just another comma for a relationship and for my life. Life can go in many different ways, and I’m more open to whatever it wants to give me. I am opening my heart to experience more good things and learn good lessons in my life.