Recently, I have become more aware of genders, as I have been living with a nice alpha male in my house. However, the question of "Should I date boys?" was triggered when a male friend asked me out on a date.
Two days ago, a new male friend of mine called and said, "I think you're really cute, and I want to ask you out on a date." And so the crisis begins. I don't know if I am over my ex enough to go on dates. I don't know if I like this person because I have only hung out with him twice. I don't know if I want to go just because he is cute or if I am just wanting to explore with boys. I don't know if I don't want to go just because going on a date stresses me out.
Also, a few housekeeping notes you may want to know. I have only seriously dated two people in my life so far, and they were both females. However, I view myself as demi-sexual, meaning I only develop attraction when I feel emotionally close to people. I have had casual relationships with boys, so the question of "Should I date a boy?" is not about going on a date with this specific person, but more of a general umbrella term for viewing boys as potential long-term partners.
You might ask, if I am already comfortable with girls, why do I still want to explore more with boys? It is not only because I am flexible and believe in equality, but also because it will expand my dating pool and give me more choices for a good partner.
Well, at least, I thought so.
Two days ago, during my bachata class in San Francisco, I came to a realization that the fun and attraction I once felt while dancing bachata in Argentina were nowhere to be found in the SF dance scene. The men here were very predatory, despite dancing poorly and thinking they were the best.
While dancing with an Indian boy I had just met, I complimented him, "Not bad. How long have you been dancing?" He replied, "This is my first time." I was surprised and said, "Really?" He smiled and replied, "With you." I almost rolled my eyes at his cheesy response. He kept letting me do the waist-lying back pose, which made me slightly uncomfortable.
Another Latino man was even worse. He danced terribly, yet he kept telling me he had grown up dancing and that it was super easy and natural for him. He even asked me to go to another dancing place with him and offered to pick me up. The way he danced with me was harassment. He pressed me against his chest as if we were passionate lovers making out, and kept trying to rub my face against his. Although I found it extremely uncomfortable, the music didn't stop on a clear ending note there, and I was dragged into his harassment for two songs.
After leaving him, I was completely pissed off and decided not to dance the bachata in the US anymore. I sat in the salsa room, feeling frustrated. Then the best dancer came to me to drink water, and I told her, "You danced so well." She replied, "Oh, I can dance with you too." She gently held my hands and taught me all the basic steps. I was stiff and nervous at first, but she was patient and gentle, and I started to feel fun and relaxed dancing around her.
Bamn! I experienced a sharp contrast between the beliefs that "men are horrible and women are nice" in just one night.
That's when I realized all these experiences added up, and I felt much safer around girls than boys in general. This was due to both theoretical (patriarchy, misogyny) and practical reasons (my average personal interactions with both genders).
You might argue that I'm just picking the wrong spaces and meeting the wrong men. While this may be true, dating someone who is not dangerous is way too low as a bar. Unfortunately, our patriarchal society doesn't allow normal men to be vulnerable and cultivate emotional intelligence and sensitivity. I have male friends whom I love, and I don't blame them because I know they may not be aware, but I'm not willing to be with someone who unconsciously exhibits alpha-male behaviors and lacks emotional intelligence.
Therefore, I have modified my understanding as follows:
Does it really worth my effort to explore dating boys by going through so much trouble for such a small pool?
My ex used to say, "Men are oppressing my living space!" I used to laugh at her, but nowadays I find myself thinking about it quite often. Our exes always leave an impact on our lives, and I guess this random mantra had quite a successful influence on me...
