should I order that bagel

it's $8.95 though

I stared at the café menu board—The Bagel Deluxe, $8.95. Should I order it?

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“We don’t have that much money in the bank. I don’t think we can afford it,” he said, his voice flat in the slack channel. Our team was planning a user research trip to an island called Granada in the Caribbean. But to speed up my visa process and make the trip possible, I needed $3K.

If the company couldn’t even afford the $3K, it was obvious the employees couldn’t either. I pictured them all running freely on the beach, while I sat alone in the office. At first, I would’ve felt deeply discouraged. But over time, I became desensitized—there had already been so many disappointments. All the fundraising rejections, the ongoing salary negotiations that fall far from what I’d hoped for, and the performance review that left me feeling...

I’m not trying to dismiss all the good parts either. I know why I’m here. Education. But it’s been a tough space to navigate. I once thought I could compromise my money in exchange for passion. But I didn’t realize, until living here, that without money in the United States, you’re forced to live like a mouse—sneaking around, constantly finding workarounds for visas, insurance, housing. Even basic survival becomes a maze of complications. I hate it.

I once read, living is a game or rock paper scissors: fate beats hope. hope beats ignorance, and ignorance beats fate. I’m losing my ignorance, and felt pretty much beaten by fate.

I recalled when I talked about my offer, my friend said, “eww…how do u even live here? What? No insurance?”His “eww” is full of disgust and disbelief, as if someone just shuffle a rotten fish into his mouth. But he will never understand why I’m here in the first place. It’s not just a job.

With each uneasy day, something rises within me every day. It grows slowly, deliberately, and steady, like lifting myself into a handstand against the weight of the world.

I demand a change.

I demand a breadth.

I demand abundance.

I sniffed like a hound, scouring every corner where reality might bend. The hunger in me was feral, restless, unyielding like a wolf growling deep inside. I moved with fierce intent, unwilling to sit still and sulk. I pushed myself to think bigger, to break free. Because devotion alone doesn’t drive change. Power does. Money does.

I told myself: stop being nice and cute. Be intelligent. Be sharp. Learn the rules of the game. Not to just play, but play to win. I stopped feeling hurt when people belittle me. I said fxxk u too and thank you next.

If I truly believe in possibility, then I need to treat myself like I matter. Because if I can’t change my own life, how could I ever hope to change the world?

So I ordered the bagel.
It came to $10.31.
It hurt.
But it tasted fantastic.