Unhappy Birthday

Crisis crisis crisis

This might be the unhappiest birthday of my life. All the birthdays I've had in the past few years involved watching funny dramas and laughing with friends. This year, I still sat with friends (at least I have friends), but the immense uncertainty about my future and finances is overwhelming. I've sprinted and grown a lot in May, but I don't know why it's just not enough for the new life.

The girl in May who just wanted a job is no longer there. With my growth, I now have an even higher standard for what "great work" means to me, pushing myself to boundaries where merely having a job is far from enough. With my growth, I've learned that I can transition a career in a two-month sprint, but now I want to cultivate niche skills and look out for inspirational people to work with. Adding the newest financial stress in SF on top of my ambition, I feel life is difficult, and fear has no logical reasoning.

Tonight, talking to my SF housemate, and he pushed me even more, I flinched. I said, "I don't think I should work now because I'm so burnt out already." He replied, "We all have fight or flight responses. If you already believe you cannot, you will not even try." Deep down, only when you feel that you actually can, you stay and fight for it. He said if I believed I could not, I would have taken all the tutoring jobs like many of my classmates or just gone back home.

The truth is, my three months of SF practice gave me the confidence to make a new life and career if I wish. But it's still scary and lonely enough that I don't want to do it. What does being a young new grad managing SF finance without a stable job or filling in all the part-time hourly sheets mean? What does it mean for a young recent grad to realize her ambition is so high that a job or even a good job can never satisfy her for the rest of her life?

In the past half of a year, I've already developed a taste for great work, a standard for great people, but a lack of resources to support the realization in life. I can imagine being a founder and creating breakthroughs for society, but I cannot imagine a comfortable, stable job that I like anymore. Growth unlocked more ambition but also closed the door on settling down. I see lots of strength in me, but it doesn't prevent me from tearing down.

Unhappy Birthday. To all my fear, ambition, growth, and grit in my life.