Voicing out writing fear

Oh no

Even though I wrote my writing manifesto, it doesn’t stop the fear and discomfort when I see new comments. Well…there aren’t really malicious comments and I skip reading most of them, but whenever I sensed a disagreement or judgment in the comment, I flinched.

Some of the comments don’t understand the context. Some of them tried to tell me what the reality actually looked like. I felt really confused. Because the piece of writing that went viral, was a simple journal of me writing out regular happy day. But as popularity goes, the memory of a happy day feels colored and judged.

My friend said, “You don’t need to be afraid of the fear of being judged. Because everyone wants to feel belonging, and we all live in a fxxking society!” I don’t know. I usually don’t really care about how people think about me. But I feel my joy of writing is interfered somehow. I start to miss my life just interacting with some wholesome new writing friends I make through medium.

I can feel my greatest fear isn’t really on how people think of me, but the vulnerability of the self I’m trying to build. I no longer feel free to think, to express, to create, and to imagine. I feel my mouth is shut because of fear. I feel my ideas are fleeting away because I’m not at ease. And I’m really afraid of the dying of ideas and self expression. Or even, a self identity I’m trying to create.

“Can you separate your work from yourself?” she asked.

Most writers on Medium write about a subject, like data science or how to pursue a career in X. There is not much controversy to begin with, and it doesn’t tie that much to ther auther either. However, I’m writing about my life, my values, and my emotions. They are very close to me. Can I separate them from myself then?

“Why do so many people want to respond me?” I cannot help but asking. On one hand, it’s good. Response is a effortful form of engagement. A socially agreeable common thoughts will never trigger this much interests and thoughts. From this perspective, disagreement is also really good, because it means that ideas are flowing in an unconstrainted form. I do write to provoke more reflections and thoughts for myself and for others. But with the instant 1K claps & 30+ comments, it feels that I’m declaring my thought out loud, even though I have no intention to. (Well… those I intend to don’t go viral…)

My writings are usually created on the fly. Those ideas and small and fragile. I’m newly exposed to the happiness under uncertainty. I’m also the first time trying to test out to build my learning ideas like my motherfucker when I wrote that piece. How can I keep them with me when so much noises just appear all of the sudden?

I know those comments don’t even matter for the majority of the world. (e.g. my roommate doesn’t care already) But I still feel pretty lost and avoident.