Welcome to my funeral

Dumb ways to die

Sometimes, Esther feels so jealous that other human beings can live intelligently while she is so…dumb.

Other people know how to navigate their lives, find a good partner, and do what humans are supposed to do, but Esther doesn’t. Hence, I’m thinking of how she might die.

• Touch too many trees and one might be poisonous.

• Marry a terrible person because she forgot to wear the right glasses. Potentially die out of too many times heartbroken.

• Eating random nuts on the ground and one turns out to be poop (which almost happened).

• Being too risk-taking and owing lots of money. She cannot pay them back and is killed by the mafia or ends up homeless on the street.

• Being too stubborn to follow people’s advice and dying by tripping in a no man’s land.

• Buried by negative news because she cannot respect authority.

Since my graduation, I’ve been noticing that the entire world has been telling me the same thing over and over again in every dimension of life, but I still have a hard time following it. Like talking about what I should be talking about when I talk to a CEO. I know about this but I still ask whatever question is on my mind. Why could other people follow those rules, expectations, and common norms so much?

I started to doubt that Esther severely lacked a lot of common sense. Though she did try sometimes, she could not try as hard as other people. Like, why? I don’t know what my mom forgot to give me when she gave birth to me, even though I think my prefrontal cortex is probably good. Too good that I often notice a hole in social norms that other human beings become mad at me.

I think I’m so done with myself and my life, ready to face my dumb way to die. Oh, weird friends, I forgot to tell you that I’ve already planned how I want my ceremony a few years ago. Let me show you.

This is me in my coffin. Do you know why I do this? I think every dead person deserves some dignity. And at least I want to be as pretty as Emma Watson when I die.

I’ve also made my words of condolence.

Martin Luther King, the American civil rights leader and winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace. Ah.. Sorry, wrong person…. (cough cough) 

Esther Yang, is a boldie with green eyes. I guess she is a Swedish. She is 180 cm tall.  (Hush if audiences boo) Order! Order! Be respectful for the death. Her secret lover is Neil Armstrong(Play Fly me to the moon), because she likes to play this song. 

Also, do you see the moon over there? Yes. Her butt is facing the moon, because in Brazilian, facing your butt to the moon means that you are lucky. She wants to die luckily. Now, she wants you all to be lucky. Let’s twerk!

And then everyone can start twerking, sitting in funeral is very unhealthy since we all sit too much anyway.

There will not be any gratitude ceremony at my funeral, but there will be one “complaining ceremony.”

Because Esther knows she creates too much inconvenience and problems for others. People should really take their last chance to complain.

I haven’t selected the date I want to die yet, but you are all invited to come to my funeral. However, since I’ve been writing so many Gotta Die series, you might be able to complain about me soon.