What I've learned in 2024
What a sprout
I looked back at my writing What I learn in 2023. Cannot believe I can have so much fun in misery. From jobless and heartbroken, I asked myself, how did I live a year from all the ruins?
From jobless to “she is a good engineer”
Last month, a founder told me, “People say you’re a good engineer.” I was stunned. At the beginning of the year, I didn’t even dare call myself an engineer! I had only started learning engineering because I was jobless and had nothing else to do. Yet here I am now—building for a startup as a full-stack developer, creating iOS and Android apps. I’ve shipped features like a leaderboard, streak, and even jungle animation.
How did I get here? Beyond hard work, the key was discipline.
Yes, I’ve delved deeply into learning, pouring my thoughts into emotionally and technically rich programming posts like Rethink the self-learning journey for a junior engineer, Engineering as a language of mine, Why learning history helps you learn coding, and Learn as if you are a student taking exams. I've come to realize that nothing truly matters without consistent effort over a long period of time.
My journey with discipline began when I was jobless, having the freedom to pursue whatever interests captured my mind. During this time, I built a Today I Learned app that continues to track my learning journey to this day.
I found myself redefining what discipline means to me.
Many people see discipline as an uncomfortable force exerted on oneself. However, I view it as an exploration of how to work with my natural tendencies within the constraints of reality. — In search of discipline
Today, I have a job. It’s low low paid and 3-month contract based, but rather than constantly complained about them, I learn to leverage them. I leveraged them as a constant motivation to continue my discipline of learning on engineering.
Looking at my GitHub contribution graph, I realize it's not about impressing others or proving my worth. These green squares are simply footprints of my dedication, forming a trail of discipline. And I feel genuinely proud of that journey.
Writing this now, I've had an epiphany: others' opinions about my engineering abilities matter far less than I once thought. Whatever path I'm on, I know that discipline itself will pay off. That’s all.
The showing of conviction
I said my life is 78% of failure rate, and San Francisco really slapped me on my face.
This May, I was told by a startup founder of my dream company this:
Tbh, It still hurts looking at this text right now, especially when I built a new product to apply to work with them back then. Looking back now, I want to say to little Esther, “This is TERRIBLE! How did you even make it through?” But she not only didn’t stop, she persisted and even worked more on her vision,
Applied to YC and preparing to reapply through New Project - 200 days to YC #W1
And even gave two talks on education.
That's... that's... that's insane. I'm calling Esther "she" right now because I barely recognize myself in her anymore. That Esther back then had no idea she'd dodged a major bullet when she was humiliated - that founder ended up closing his startup simply because he got bored.
[I need to pause and get water to calm down before continuing.]
I'm back, but my emotions are still a tangled mess. I feel such sadness for all the hardships that little Esther endured. I'm astonished, marveling at the sheer grit she demonstrated through it all. And I'm scared - scared of all the challenges she'll willingly face in the future because of her unwavering conviction.
I guess conviction for her is really a stone (Gotta die #3: Conviction is a stone)
Finding peace in broken relationships
This is what I wrote about The Joy of Broken Relationships in March.
"No matter what has happened in the past, what you choose in the present, what will happen in the future, I still love you.”
“I do have a desire for intimacy. I will ensure my health, but beyond that, I want to prioritize your agency, your freedom, and your choice over my own desire even if your choice excludes me.”
My learning was heavily tested by someone this May. This was our conversation.
“What if things get unfold with my ex?”
“That’s okay too. As long as we maintain honesty and transparency, we will figure things out.” I replied.
When those words left my mouth, I thought I had reached the pinnacle of demonstrating that love means agency. But little did I know that I was immediately ghosted until September, when a distant friend mentioned they had likely got back with their ex.
Yet, I honored my word and let it be. Shortly after hearing this news, I received a series of jarring emails titled "let's become strangers so you can move on." The messages addressed me as if I were a problem to be solved, a story to be rewritten, a past that needed erasing. I allowed myself to feel everything - the anger, the sadness, the tears - and still chose to let it be. Let them be. Let myself be.
Reality cut deep. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt - I still wake up with tears when these memories surface in my dreams. But I practice equanimity through it all.
One of my favorite definitions of equanimity is finding composure in change. It’s the recognition that things are always changing, inviting us to loosen our grip and our tendency to hold on. Equanimity also reminds us that it’s perfectly natural to feel everything, to fall apart, and to rebuild ourselves. — I tried 30 days to get rid of my addiction
"Equanimity is finding composure in change. It's okay to feel everything, to fall apart, and to rebuild ourselves." These words became my mantra throughout the year. Curiously, if you were to ask me how I feel about this year, I would say: there hasn't been much surplus, but it's been enough. I received what I needed. I feel content and at peace.
As I reflect on everything I’ve been through this year, tears stream down my cheeks. Thank you, Esther. You can go to sleep now. Goodnight.
a lot of lessons here, and courage to be transparent about them
Indeed, what a sprout! So proud and I have so much to learn from you, Esther!