Why I fried onions for 30 min

Get out of my unwanted tendency

Details I noticed in life

There are several things I want to let go of this year:

1. The Instinct to Rush: My tendency to rush through life.

2. Unbeneficial Relationships: Relationships that no longer serve me.

The first habit I want to let go of is my tendency to rush through daily tasks. For example, when I take longer to cook or eat, I often feel like I'm wasting time or become impatient because I live in a society that only values productivity. While learning to cook with my chef friend, I discovered my biggest weakness in cooking is impatience. I want to put the food in before the pan is hot enough, and after frying onions for 30 minutes, I gave my chef friend a dirty look, even though the key for that dish (啤酒噸牛肉）requires onions to be extremely tender, sweet, and unburnt.

Another thing I want to let go of is unbeneficial relationships. Whether I decide to continue or end these relationships, I often feel the emotional burden and the pressure of societal expectations. Often, I'm simply too lazy to change because it's easier to stay where I am, and there's friction in getting myself out. However, as these relationships wither, I've realized I need to become more independent—emotionally, financially, and in my daily life—to gain the agency to actively grow into the person I want to be.

Both problems stem from an unwanted tendency of mine. However, I don't want to be constrained by these tendencies. Instead, I want to pay attention to them, analyze them, and make changes in my life.

Attention, pls!

Few days ago, I practiced live coding with a friend. To my surprise, it reminded me of how much I still have to learn as an engineer. Yes, with the help of AI, I code with ease. Data manipulation feels like a breeze. Yet, seeing my friend struggle made me realize that neither of us has truly mastered its intricacies.

The devil is in the details—the subtle differences in types, methods, and data structures. On the surface, I thought I had it all figured out, especially since I use these tools every day. In reality, I had been focusing on conceptual knowledge and relying on AI-generated implementations. This illusion of ease led me to overlook the complexities, making me complacent.

As I immersed myself entirely in coding, I realized that good performance hinges more on awareness than on knowledge or skills. Stopping to reevaluate is much harder than following your initial train of thought. It takes extra mental effort to be mindful of what you are doing, actively track your actions, question your assumptions, and set aside tasks you're in the middle of. Notice. Analyze. Decide.

And then, allow yourself to let go of things you've invested time and effort into—that's the hardest part.

I feel like this isn’t just a work practice but a life habit too. We often repeat the same mistakes, failing to recognize our problems. Even when we are aware of our tendencies, it feels so hard to let go of the desire of following the tendency.

I don’t want to be an exhausted women

My friend shared a poem with me: "I do not want to be remembered as a woman who was always exhausted." This resonates deeply with my desire to live more mindfully and authentically.

I do not want to be remembered as a woman who was always stressed, always busy, always rushing, always holding herself together and pushing through.

I would like to be remembered as a relaxed woman, a compassionate woman, a curious, joyful, pleasure-loving woman.

A woman who works hard and rests deeply, who loves fiercely and lives peacefully.

A woman who knows her worth and her power, who accepts her imperfections and her vulnerabilities, who embraces her limitations and possibilities.

A woman who laughs and cries and aches and loves and is enchanted by the mess and magic and mundaneness of this beautiful, shimmering life.

I have tendency to rush.

I have tendency to follow through my instinctive solutions.

I have a tendency to not assertively say no in unwanted situations.

That's not who I want to be. I want to be a woman who feels content and fulfilled, not rushing because of my own judgment or the expectations of others.

I want to feel strong when I say no, without fear and stress.

I want to take my time cooking, eating, and washing dishes, without feeling like I'm wasting time.

I want to take up more space in a group of men, without worrying if my words are valuable.

I want to relax while lying in the grass, without pondering on how to compensate for the rest I'm taking.

I don’t want to be an exhausted women. I want to work hard and rest deeply, embracing both my limitations and my possibilities.