You are tricked by your ex
How to Avoid Overcompromising in a Relationship
During a dinner conversation, my friends discussed the importance of the 3C’s in relationships: compatibility, chemistry, and compromise. While there are other Cs to consider, such as commitment and communication, they debated which of these three factors was the most crucial. For example, if you have compatibility but no chemistry, what distinguishes your partner from your best friend?
Based on my personal experience and knowledge about my friend, I wasn’t particularly engaged. Some people can talk a lot about their opinions but still fail to take action or are too afraid to face their issues. As a result, even a brilliant thinker can still be a relationship wrecker. However, their conversation on compromise caught my attention.
“Do you think you often over-compromise?” Boy 1 asked.
“I AGREE!” Boy 2 screamed.
“It’s not just about knowing what I want. I do know what I want, but my ex still subconsciously influences me. And after three years, damn, I don’t know who I am anymore!” Boy 1 complained.
“I totally understand. I also know what I want. But whenever my ex tries to persuade me, I become more malleable about it,” Boy 2 resonated.
The way they complained was as if they were “tricked” by their ex, doing things they don’t want to, and becoming a person they don’t want to become. Yet, as I pondered upon my own encounter, a current of warmth enveloped my heart. I didn’t feel tricked.
My ex was slow but patient, unambitious but present. I am the opposite: I learn and grow fast, but often push myself too hard and stumble. In her presence, I learned the value of patience concerning my future, career, and the anxiety that accompanies job searching. Sometimes I do find the lifestyle can be a bit too passive. Nevertheless, the overall transformation into a more balanced person brings me genuine happiness, even if it means achieving less when I’m around her. In essence, I learn that the changes for a relationship need to align with the direction that I’m happy to grow into, even if I didn’t expect it in the first place.
Even when things didn’t go well between us, I still didn’t feel tricked. When she told me she didn’t love me enough, she wasn’t looking for a stable relationship, and she didn’t know what she want, I was heavily injured. However, it was through her honesty that I came to recognize the violation of my non-negotiables, avoiding ambiguity and harboring resentment for feeling mistreated. Ultimately, when my final boundaries were eventually stepped upon, I exit the relationship without engaging in a toxic back-and-forth, because I really understood myself and the misalignment of our needs, wants, and life stages from our communication.
So returning to the question, how to not be tricked by your partner and prevent over-comprising? It is not just a matter of understanding one’s wants and needs in general, but also knowing one’s non-negotiables, standing firm on boundaries, and seeking alignment for personal growth. Finally, approach the relationship with honesty from both sides. Some of them require self-understanding and awareness, while others demand self-understanding and awareness from your partner too.
Ironically, though I still almost tore down every day, I still found myself really lucky to meet my ex and feel grateful for the multitude and lessons she brought into my life.
This is the 4th post from my 30-day writing challenges. I was inspired by Tung Nguyen, a friend who is a famous blogger. He overcame the fear of creation through mass-producing blogs and eventually found his own niche audiences.