Even though I approached it with the best intention and honesty myself when I confess in Open My Heart, I still notice my body is quite nervous about it. In the past two days, I would wake up at 5 pm, and my stomach will clench without my permission.
Rationally, I know there isn’t anything that is going to happen. It’s not an email that is waiting for a response. Even if it is responded to, as I said, it’s a recognition of a state of mind, a silent tone of likeness, the reality isn’t going to change at all.
However, I still knew my body feels differently. It was worried about rejection even though confirmation isn’t even a choice in the first place. My body was scared of the feeling of being exposed, even though my heart had already decided to do it with my utmost honesty. My body is afraid of being hurt if the other side has moved on and doesn’t care about it anymore even though I know this is completely okay.
It isn’t comfortable at all, but I treated it as a stretch of my body and my mind without complaint and resentment. Growth is never comfortable, but I still prefer to grow than to be comfortable. I know every moment of a clouded mind and intense body is a defensive mechanism to this new taste of growth. I feel like a flower, beautiful but vulnerable. I need to notice, and recognize, but still, open my heart to it.
Because what I need to learn is, it’s not about whether other people respond to it or not, it’s me who needs to adjust and reconcile with the potential anxiety within me. Let me tell you a side story. I was ghosted by a person in my situationship before and I was absolutely knocked out. I couldn’t do anything but let my anxiety run in my brain. Today, I’m still slightly anxious for sure, but I stay present and gently touch all the emotions bubbling up in me. I tell my body, “I understand, and it’s okay to be scared and nervous. I will be will you.”
Another miracle happened today after my yoga class. I was sitting in Golden Gate Park, sitting with all my emotions whirling inside me. I want to give them some time and space to breathe. However, I…started to have thought of wishing her well (?). With or without me.
Crazy right, when you are brutally honest understanding that you still have a strong likeness, but all of a sudden, you also have the ability to genuinely wish her happiness or whatever dating or life experience she is going to experience even if you are not part of it. My tears were like waterfalls when the thought emerged, and they are still waterfalling when I wrote about this now. I guess maybe people call this whatever elevated version of compassion or likeness or love? (I know meditation calls it meta)
I cannot stop crying not because I have no choice but to accept the reality, but because it is so human. As a human, I can experience this level of compassion/likeness/love. I can give so much even if I really want to take than give. My likeness or love is no longer desiring to love or be loved. It is about expressing my love when I know it will not be reciprocated. And taking one step further, deeply care about them in my heart, even when I was getting tripped by my own fear, but still want to let them fly so they can find their happiness.
Though the feelings brush me like a gentle ocean wave, it’s so powerful and so human as a core that I can only express how overwhelmed I am with tears.
I don’t know how long this feeling will stay. I know it can easily be shattered once I got hurt. I know I’m still usually a selfish human being with lots of desires. But I want to remember this moment in my life because it might be so far, the greatest love I’ve ever experienced in my life. This is what it means to be a human, and wow, I guess that’s me.
I didn’t edit this writing at all, because I want to maintain the rawest form of it. I’m sorry that you need to read lots of poor English. I might edit it in the future. For now, I think you get the point :)
to be human is to love!
your awareness & level of insight of yourself is 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This is one of the most moving writings you've done