The Joy of Broken Relationships
So much joy
You might think I’m crazy, but yes, I started to feel lots of love and joy from broken relationships.
Usually, I’m a person who leaves people clean and clear as I’m pretty sure I deserve excellent relationships in my life, so losing some doesn’t really bother me in the long run. Yet, as I went through more in my life, I noticed an anomaly. A constant love that radiates inside me for others that doesn’t get derailed by the past that soured, the present that is absent, and the future that is apart.
Initially, I thought I hadn’t processed things enough, and I was quite frustrated. However, as I started to separate my love, likeness, and desire, I discovered several lessons.
Desire is inherently within us. The desire to love, to be taken care of, to feel connected… It’s not much related to the person on our mind.
Love can be separate from desire to a certain extent. The better I can separate it, the more I can love by giving others agency.
Intimacy is a desire. While it is important to fulfill our needs and desires, if I could, I would rather give people agency as an expression of love.
Relationships aren’t about me and others, but a mirror of me and myself.
I know these are all weird and philosophical. But I started to realize when other people said “I love you so I want you to stay with me,” it’s more of a selfish desire that restricts people from being themselves. If I really have the ability to love, then it will probably be “I love you so you can choose to stay or leave. It’s okay if you want to leave too.” I know this is basic, but a lot of people cannot do it because that sounds painful and scary when you are deeply attached to others. In the beginning, I felt lots of pain from losing too.
However, as time goes on, I realize the love inside me is never lost. It gets transcended. It flows back into different moments and I can feel warmth in my chest. It extends to all beings on the earth because love is so abundant. (Or I might have the potential to be Jesus). Yes, abundance is exactly how I feel all the time. I feel lots of happiness and joy. The ability to love is beautiful itself, regardless of the reciprocation.
The stories inside me get modified a lot too. It’s no longer pain, grief, and sadness. But
"No matter what has happened in the past, what you choose in the present, what will happen in the future, I still love you.”
“I do have a desire for intimacy. I will ensure my health, but beyond that, I want to prioritize your agency, your freedom, and your choice over my own desire even if your choice excludes me.”
And it feels miraculously liberating. Because if the love is always there but flexible enough to transform into different forms, why does the “broken relationship” matter? All the insecurity of losing fades away. Love stays. I never lose anything from losing the person. So now I have the ability to give others’ their agency as a gift even though I might be deeply attached to them. (Damn…I think I've changed so much. My growth is unbelievable, even for myself.)
Nowadays, I seldom think that my relationship is with other people. People come and go anyway. The same problems in past relationships, for instance, insecurity, will be manifested in our next relationship if we don’t learn the lessons. I realize all the relationships I have are with myself. A mirror of my relationship with my own desire, my likeness, my love, my emotions, and my values. Thinking about others, others, others is unproductive. We cannot change other people anyway. It’s about how I define love, what values I prioritize at that moment, how to understand and manage my extreme desire…It’s me, me, me all the time. We have full ownership and responsibilities for ourselves.
Whenever I’m troubled by relationships, it’s usually a problem in my inner system, not external circumstances. Finding clarity will resolve all the conflicts within me, and then the conflicts I perceive in the world. For instance, my conflicts with broken relationships are a war between my principles and my own desire. My conflicts of meeting other people’s excessive demands are conflicts between my values of connection and emotions vs my own agency. Usually, I consider my emotions but go with principles.
So…yes, I find a lot of joy in my broken relationships. I feel my abundance to love myself, to love others, and to be compassionate to all beings on this planet. I find the power to have clarity no matter how the world is changing around me. Brokenness is defined by the outer world, whereas wholeness is intrinsic to my being.
Am I close to enlightened? Haha. Now, stop calling me Esther is a confused human being. Call me Esther is a Buddha human being. Thank you.
