The price of thoughtfulness
Maybe it's not that good
Trained as a considerate Asian growing up, I often received compliments for being a thoughtful person. However, when I’m outside of Taiwan, I realize things can get a bit tricky…
For instance, when I was camping with Taiwanese friends, they would ask if I felt comfortable sleeping here, if I needed x, y, z. But when I’m not, I need to assert my needs to others (like almost shouting to people). Over time, I’ve practiced setting boundaries with people through active and verbal communication. But I realized this wasn’t enough. Being thoughtful can still come at the cost of taking care of myself.
For instance, while I was completely off tech usage today, all of a sudden, I noticed that there was a tight deadline for social responsibility that A set up for me. To be fair, there is no point in me fulfilling it ASAP because A hasn’t fulfilled theirs many times. But I just feel itchy and uncomfortable about it. Why?
On one hand, I really want to rest and take care of myself. On the other hand, I keep imagining how A will feel over time. As I know about A, they aren’t a secure person, and my mind keeps imagining how they will feel if I don’t fulfill their needs RIGHT NOW. Should I just compromise and do it for them? My mind keeps wondering. I’m afraid that they will feel scared, stressed, and hurt. The thought of it gives me a lot of stress, distracting me from my presence.
Should I be kind to myself or kind to others then?
I decided to meditate. And I saw lots of internal fear and worries of causing suffering streaming in my mind. I’m afraid that people will suffer without me doing what they want. And all of a sudden, I learned that so much of the stress I have in my past relationships isn’t about myself, but about over caring or worrying about what other people. Whenever there are problems in relationships, I’m not only handling my own negative emotions but also empathizing with all the negative emotions for others. Double responsibilities.
That’s why I often find relationships tiring because I’m often feeling what others might feel and think about what other people want. That’s why I couldn’t detach from my work on the weekend because I think they need my help. My ability to be thoughtful brings me lots of friendships but also causes my inability to detach and rest. It is dangerous to be too thoughtful. I’m over giving.
I learn I need to practice two things:
Be responsible for my worries of causing suffering: This thought is inside me, and I need to reconcile that worry to give myself enough mental break. I need to practice not to over give or over worry.
Not taking people’s emotional responsibility: If I’m always meeting people’s emotional needs, I’m taking away their practice of managing their own emotions.
I don’t want my motivation for thoughtfulness to be due to the fear of causing people to suffer. I want it to be a genuine desire to help within my capacity. Good night! I’m meeting my needs to sleep now!
What helped me was the analogy of what airlines tell us when oxygen masks drop - help yourself before you help others. I found it a good rule of thumb, to help others only when you have the excess capacity to. Regarding the worry of others not being taken care of, I decided to trust that they are capable human beings who can take care of themselves, and this way of treating them might even be the more respectful way as we are believing in their capabilities (and not seeing them as someone who is helpless and needs to be saved by others)