Relationship Simulation #1: Experiment

Practice romantic relationship in a simulated environment

Welcome to the weekend again. I don't think I've told you about my new FANTASTIC weekend idea: a "romantic relationship simulation." As the name suggests, it's a simulated environment where I can practice being in a romantic relationship. I got lucky!

After my ex contacted me and I told her I still have feelings for her, I felt unsettled and anxious not having a response. That's when I set up a simulated environment (which I'll explain later). The anxiety made me realize that impatience might be a big problem that I have in relationships. I often don't give my partner enough time and space because I can't stop thinking about a problem until I resolve it. This applies to every dimension of my life, making me a quick problem solver. But this trait confuses me in romantic situations because I'm never sure whether my partner should take more initiative or I should give them more time and space.

Now, I can clearly identify impatience and anxiety as my problems because she doesn't have any obligation to respond to me at all! (aka a good control environment)

Why is my situation now a simulated environment?

My current situation is similar to having real problems in a romantic relationship because:

• The target person is the same.

• I have similar feelings toward the target person as if I'm in a romantic relationship.

• I encounter similar anxiety and impatience in this environment.

But now I have all the time and space in the world to resolve my feelings of being anxious because I don't need to respond and interact!

Why is this simulated environment is an amazing chance to learn?

• I feel like I'm still in a relationship when in reality, I'm not. Therefore, there are no confounding variables, allowing me to isolate my problem.

• I have the necessary time and space to practice. I don't need to rush to respond or engage.

My problem: Being impatient when I relationship problem occurs, being pushy to solve it ASAP.

I realized that the main reasons for my impatience are the following:

• I don't like waiting in general, and I get frustrated when problems are not solved immediately because it makes me feel like my partner isn't taking our problems seriously.

• I feel like my heart is hanging on the problem, and it consumes my daily energy by constantly roaming around my mind. This makes me feel tired, and it is the main reason for my impatience.

My self training process

Let me tell you how I take advantage of this opportunity to practice. During weekdays, I immerse myself in work and don't think about it. However, I allow all thoughts and tendencies to emerge on weekends and try out different ideas to resolve them. This way, I don't get drained trying to solve them every day.

That's why I wake up on weekends feeling like this, with my brain full of shit because I allow them to be there. What should I do?

Here are all the strategies I have tried so far:

• Yoga: I do yoga first thing in the morning to clear my subconscious mind. It helps to harmonize all my thoughts, like a big bowl of soup mixing everything together and making the bitter taste less bitter.

• Crying: I sit with my emotions and give them an outlet to release.

• Writing in public: This is not about rambling my thoughts like a journal. I need to write in a more constructive way, recognizing which thoughts are irrational and which are not.

• Going to work: It's better than working remotely (or at Minerva) because I don't have a choice. It's an environment where I can only think about work. When I start coding, I usually block out my negative thoughts.

• Dancing: It helps me to delete all the trash and tiring thoughts.

• Reading: Specifically, scientific psychology books such as the body keeps the score, helping to understand the mechanism of my brain.

Today is my second week of training, and I've realized that I've already become desensitized to it a lot. I don't feel as anxious anymore. It's like leaving a math or coding problem for a while and doing something else. You stop hectically trying all the wrong directions to solve it. But if you leave it a while and come back, you are less emotionally involve to it.

Growth of the week

Last week, I learned how to open my heart and be more human. This week, I learned about the root causes of impatience and anxiety. For instance, during yoga today, I realized that my anxiety and impatience are not what bothers me. It is the unwanted thoughts that keep bothering me and leading to anxiety and impatience. Thoughts like "Why can't you solve this common LDR problem?" or "How are you going to manage this feeling of love without return?" spin like a big hurricane, too fast for me to catch and calm down. So I want to run and think as fast as I can to hunt them down. However, when I start doing yoga, it slows me down and my thoughts, and the hurricane becomes a breeze, making it much more tolerable.

To be honest, sometimes I feel too shitty or get too freaked out (e.g., feel angry that I didn't solve the problem) and don't know if I want to shut down this project. However, there are still some positive moments of growth that make me decide to continue doing it for a while. I will keep you updated!