Relationship Simulation #4: Setting Myself Free

How to free myself from my tangled emotions

After breakups, my ex suddenly became the sexiest and most wonderful human being on earth, at least in my mind. During my relationship simulation experiment, my mind always replayed the most intimate moments, tying them to my deepest desires. My friend once said, “Imagination is power and EVIL. Your imagination can keep them safe and sexy in your mind forever.” Because my mind can perpetuate the romantic dramas without any interference from reality.

Well... that was true until last week.

The last email I sent didn’t receive a response. Suddenly, I felt furious. It's ridiculous to be angry about it, especially since I wrote “You don’t need to reply if you don’t want to” in the email. But here I am, an enraged teenager, screaming, “They said they wanted to be friends forever! They promised to always be there to listen! And now, THEY'RE GHOSTING ME?!”

When I was in my anger, I almost burst out laughing because it was the exact same anger I experienced before the breakup. I didn't feel taken care of. I felt that the other person didn't care to resolve the issues in our relationship. My romantic imagination shattered all of a sudden, replaced by a deeper understanding of why things didn't work out.

But saying this is much easier than accepting it. I was still incredibly angry. I found it unfair. I felt trapped. While I felt empowered to stand up for myself, I felt powerless to change reality. I no longer saw my K-drama-inspired fantasies as beautiful, but I yearned to free myself from my anger.

I considered sending an angry email or an email to end things so that I could liberate myself from my anger. However, those thoughts only made me feel more entangled rather than liberated.

How do I free myself?

I keep asking myself.

It wasn't until I began writing "Dear Pixar Light Letter #4" that my thoughts started to unravel. I remembered everything I had written about my relationships — genuine, honest, and intimate reflections. My writing was not only a means to process my feelings, but it also propelled me forward. Writing about breakups and relationship problems/questions encouraged me to think deeply, reminding me of what I had learned from those experiences. Only when I channeled my emotions through writing and gained insights from it did I feel that I had learned the lesson and began to feel free.

So, how can I find freedom?

I realized it's not about discarding the relationship or the feelings. It's about deeply engaging with my mind.

I am deeply engaged with my mind when I write.

I am deeply engaged with my mind when I work.

I am deeply engaged with my mind when I savor the delicious mushroom soup that I cooked.

Some might say this is akin to "being present", but for me, being present is hard, especially when I'm in love with my own romantic telenovela. Writing allows me to blend my telenovela story with the present moment. Pursuing my passion in work brings clarity and security; I know where I'm headed. Actively doing self-care things to nurture myself, like cooking, brings contentment and grounding. Life's small details can be delightful.

Because while we don't exist solely online, we also don't just exist in reality; we live in our minds.

So, I do whatever suits my mind the best. :)